purpose

Listening to music does it every time. I used to just listen, then I started to feel it, and now I think a whole lot, maybe too much about the lyrics. While I was trapped in deep consideration a thought peeped out like the emerging shoot that proceeds anything that was once a seed.

I think about how thankful I am to have been raised by parents who taught me correct principles and grandparents who taught me to question everything and scrutinize verbally. I so miss the way my grandparents would talk about and consider things, that part of them truly lives on in me, I think it us why I am able to cling so tightly to the gospel as taught by the church of Jesus Christ while everyone around me or I look up to buckets under such pressure. Due to my upbringing, such questioning/questions strengthened me and push me on to a less obvious or harder to find truth, that can only be found through bouts of pure faith.

This morning, I was thinking about a thing my SS* teacher asked once about enduring to the end. I combined it with one of my father's favorite songs that repeats over and again that "there is no end... " I laugh to remember my brother adding an additional lyric of, "there is no end to this song." One time when we sang it for FHE**. Anyhow, I was wondering why we were ever headed towards a goal only to realize there is another goal. It makes alot of sense on some level.I thought in terms of Geometry and how younger folk assume any ray has a destination, and how important segments are to understanding trajectory (purpose). Now, I could speak about the paradox I like about how we could never actually move or touch one another because there is an infinite amount of half-way points to be reached but, instead I will write about extrapolation and how we can know things that we are never told by continuing on in a similar manner. My father taught me a similar principle one a drive home from college once. He told me that it was so important to continue on in a chosen profession and learn it in a greater detail although I was prone to learn more once a certain point is reached.... ok ok, getting way off track here. I only meant to mention how it is often commented how different we all are and that people ought not be "pigeon holed" or labeled. But, that is sort of what we are doing, or what the entire purpose of mortality is. We are here to get bodies to become like our Fatther in Heaven. We'll, that is a common goal and I thought, what if someone does not want that purpose? Ah hah! That answered my big question about so many of God's spirit children, and it pained me to consider their fate... until I thought, well, it was a choice and they got to choose another purpose, this one was the one I chose and so it becomes "best" to me. I would say more but my phone is doing really strange thing's. I believe it is because this is getting too long for it's page file....so, bye.

*SS = Sunday School

** FHE = Family Home Evening. A night of family togetherness, fun, and instruction. 

Jonah and Eve...

I noticed a similarity between the prophet Jonah and Eve (the mother of all living) this morning as I prepared another CFM lesson. I had not even previously noticed this so, I wanted to record it while it was on my mind.

Both Jonah and Eve ended up succeeding and the reason is the same, because they both chose something other than what was asked of them.

Eve was asked not to eat of the fruit from ONE tree, and Jonah was asked to preach to the people of Ninevah. Clearly, they made choices to disobey, necessary or not is a big and other topic...so we will simply say both were disobedient. 

Exact obedience is required, but mercy has a place, one can repent (change). Such is made possible through a sinless sacrifice...whom I add was reluctant, but exactly obedient ("thy will, not mine, be done.")

It is through the sacrifice of Jesus that either could ever hope to have success. EVERYONE knows that.  But, what stood out to me this morning was that sometimes we actually need to choose wrong. There is a great video where another explains this principle so much better: 

https://youtu.be/yNQC-_srxH8

It has been so frequently taught and understood that Eve's disobedience was forgiveness actually necessary that life could be, and so as I marvel at her faith and understanding I thought, "hmmm, I bet she had learned about a Savior and thought it a neat little unnecessary thing for her, but if she truly believed it she could have the strength to risk it all that we might have a chance.... alright, that covers Eve, now Jonah.

Firstly, the story seemed too perfectly crafted to prove a point that it seems less likely to have happened, but even still what could we (my family) learn from the story?or what exactly was the author trying to convey, and I decided, it was similar to the story of Adam and Eve, if not usually understood factually it contained a great truth that regardless of what choice you make there is a way to be restored to what ought to be. And most miraculous, more so than a man surviving being swallowed by a large fish, is that despite what seemed to be a hypocritical teacher, Jonah became a successful prophet and the Ninavites listened and believed him. 

while we are putting little tags on everyone...

Whenever I start to think of what I would be right now, I begin to feel more acutely alone. I do not know if I would have fit it actually, but things I enjoyed and excelled at even if I did not become any better in the past 10 or so years. It is like I spent my every waking hour honing my skills and achieving heights practically unfathomable by those around me now. And it is just assumed that I am some interested armature at best at things I was once the champion of... it frustrates me and gives me compassion for those "non verbal autistic" children I knew. I could tell they knew far more than the average child, but could not say, but maybe it is not the same at all cause perhaps they do not even want to communicate, assigning them n similar desires is like how we "humanize" vehicles or strange jungle creatures. I have been full of the notion today that we only receive as much as we can handle, oh, then the idea that always crowds out other explanations for my "disability"...maybe, it is a blessing to loose the ability to chase and pursue a thing I already mastered. It is what I love and so it hurts to be separated,  it reminds me of my trombone/choir teacher/advisor in college who said that he had a bandectemy. When I was younger I had to actually decide not to pursue cheerleaders and dance  (which I loved) to be able to devote myself more fully to music and running....neither or which I can do now, but my father taught me a valuable lesson. He told me about this lady who became a leading expert in her field and discovered things no one else ever could about earthworms. Because, no one with her intelligence would purposefully choose to study earthworms, but she could not, for some reason, pursue her original interest and so she somehow decided on a different path... instead of one in a million  brilliant physicists she became the one and only "Earth worm Lady". I think I was supposed to focus on raising my children, it is not that I could not do anything else, But, I really shouldn't and to make sure I now could not do anything worthwhile but ensure my children grow up right. I will likely be interviewed about such a stewardship and ultimately, that pursuit will be of greater significance than being a world renowned musician. So, you see how I always end up thinking about Ludwig von Beethoven?

the Birthmark

I have been noticing alot how the closer a thing gets to it's perfection, the more correction seems so important. I call it the Birthmark dilemma, named after the short story by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

In the story an alchemist marries a beautiful woman who would be perfect were it not for the Birthmark on her cheek. It becomes his obsession to get rid of it, one concoction finally works and the mark fades from her cheek...our teacher suggested that the whole trial or conflict represents the ideals of romantic literature in that true perfection cannot exist in this world, accordingly the woman, after imbibing the potion, dies, and the reader concludes that if the silly man would have just accepted his wife as nearly perfect, she would not have died.

In the kabbalistic teachings (which remind me of quantum physics) a thing is desired, but once obtained no longer exists.

I was lecturing my son about this Birthmark principle when we were discussing how imperfect everyone is, but we get over that to make friends. Then, it came to mind again as I was listening to trials of the early LDS church in establishing itself independently. It is very similar to the way the Lord seems to chastened those whom he loves. It really reminds me of a time a sister I see as so close to ideal she claimed that she NEEDS the sacrament because she needs constant repentance because she was so flawed. It sure seems that the closer to perfection the more of a contrast "sin" becomes.

is it safe yet?

It is like I only knew being fooled was to be avoided so, the greatest trick would be to make the pursuit of Love a stumbling bock or evil in it's aim, so it made sense to avoid love altogether... seemed brilliant and totally unexpected. Like someone trying to loose weight avoids ice cream entirely. Ok, perhaps you do not see what I mean, so I will dig in a bit and explain until the lights go on. Ice cream is sweet and contains a lot of fat. If avoided when a part of your regular diet, it would be sooooo hard to not ear it ever, but would definitely have consequences which included weight loss. Ice cream, because it tastes so good also becomes a trigger for good reward centers in the brain, and not getting them might make one feel unfulfilled or unrewarded. Eventually that emptiness might pull so hard to be fulled that it could be replaced with something worse. Ice cream was never the enemy. See? There has been such a hole in my life from my avoidance of love that I realized that I no longer need love,  but have filled it's place with something that will never be love. And we'll, it doesn't need to be, but Have been cautioned heavily on how I did NEED to be cherished and would be. But, in stories there is a conflict and because the end has not been decided yet, it unfolds to our interest.  But, I can freely repeat the quote I heard often  "I read this story, I know who wins." But, what of my story? Does it ever have an end? I have a lyric in my head, "don't stop here" from Howie Day's "Collide". Depending on where the reader stops the hero could win or loose, there are high and low points where a side appears to be the victor. But, in the end, who wins?like a diet. When one decides to break it, they have no enforcer but themselves. Likewise, if I wanted to end my love boycott no one would blow a siren or arrest me, but, anything I gained because of it might be threatened. Last night, I saw a video where a protagonist admittedly, "for the first time, I actually thought, you could stop. I realized that I did not need to do this. But, it was just a split second. Ofcourse, I would do this." 

No one would know, but someone would be effected. 

Scottish Showers

Every now and then an idea meets me with so much curiosity and pleasantries that I feel strangely encouraged to try it. That was the case with my life changing plunge into IF or Intermittent Fasting, which I absolutely adore and cannot speak highly enough of. I not only do not regret trying it out; I have decided to incorporate it into my way of life forever more.  Now, I have come to the notion of ending my showers with cold water. This is called a Scottish shower and with only minimal research thus far, I have become fascinated and want to adopt this habit.

I regularly take very warm showers and end them when the hot water runs out. The notion of intentionally allowing cold water to cover my body is frightening, and will take time to achieve, but I strongly feel this is part of the next evolution of my form. As I have read about hot flushes, and just from how I experience them, the solution is almost hypothermia. I have almost entirely ended such extremely unpleasant experiences with dropping the temperature of my surroundings to the point that I actually feel uncomfortable, actually. But, it has been a reliable solution to a rapidly hot feeling to force my body to be suddenly cold. It not only fixes the current symptoms, but keeps the problem solved for days.

    This is not scientific, but I think the secret to why I was thin all my life is the type of fat I had, and recently when I gained weight (which easily, almost instantly came off) it was white fat, then my "stubborn" belly  fat remained and it was like a battle with my body trying to keep me healthy,  but that meant not being shaped in the desirable hourglass look. But, when in my early 30's I was diagnosed with diabetes and extremely! High blood sugar (after my second 4 hour glucose test). I was sent to a nutrionist who just looked at me and told me that although my blood sugar was excessively high, my body was designed to run that way and just by looking at me (very skinny) she could sign papers to the effect that I was not suffering from diabetes. So, the IF lowers my blood sugar, I use cinnamon to balance/regularize it...again, not scientific, just seems like the receptors in my blood cling to the cinnamon acting as if it was sugar so,sort of tricking my body into thinking that it has the energy it needs stored in my blood, but surprise! I think this was a main reason I got so sick the other night when I pushed a bit too hard, and I NEEDED sleep and some candy. I settled for juice and a nap, and was ok.

  So, I have the high blood sugar under control, but should I? Debatable. So, naturally a body uses fat, and it quickly used my white fat, but once I reached the adipose fat, it slowed, and I do not have research, just think that might be one reason for the intense flushes of heat. Though, some can be explained to do with insulin, I could find no good explanation of what is actually triggering this. Because it happens at menopause, it us assumed that it has to do with an estrogen deficiency, but that does not seem to work for my thinking. I looked into cures that reliably worked and mostly it is a matter of eating "cool" foods. So, I am looking to Scottish Showers to remedy my two lasting issues of loosing those stubborn fat pockets and ending the heat flushes that I believe the  brown fat causes. My only concern is that perhaps my "belly" is by design as is my high blood sugar, and becoming like everyone else might make their diets work, but, might mean I would be loosing my strength and ability to survive on little to no food for extended periods of time.

Eh, I am going to do it cause it is my way of asserting dominance. I will be taking my body out for a type of test drive. Besides, I do not surely know that I am messing with the right balances, I only suspect it..and multiple times I have had scientific explanations of what was and what would be, only to find they were wrong. At those points, my hunches ended up being correct... I did not die, and I told my doctors that I would not. I only have a hunch that these Scottish Showers are what I need, and if I have learned anything it is to go with my gut (pun not intended).

ancient society vs. modern society

I have often pondered on miracles like David slaying Goliath, so naturally, I apply such truths across the board to my life and diet struggles to my contemplation of ancient society, and it comes back to a thing someone said in an email once. They were advising me regarding parenting, without the aid of my spouse, because we were separated pending  a divorce, and what this friend said often returns as I contemplate things, and it came from the mouth of another to help me in my situation at the time. It was, "mother's who know do less."

First, I want to apply that to David and Goliath...meaning any seemingly u surmountable thing. Looking back it is obvious how little was actually us and more was the hand of providence, oh heck, I'll say it. It was God. There is a line in a movie that also sticks in my memory where a young Wilford Woodruff is contemplating the great miracles and prophets of the past (so I think it applies to David). Wilford says, "preacher says such miracles and such in that past are not necessary today because of our great faith." But, I have always been taught and believe 100% that miracles are a product of faith. And then Wilford continues, "I say, then give me those miracles and prophets, etc." Not sure of who says what, that is how I remember it: https://youtu.be/-ZcDr3JUSOs

My conclusion this morning is that in the past as well as our past we struggle to understand and it is like how a teen rebels and wants to do things on their own, and I think that is part of the trajectory here, but like teens. Men think that they "know it all" when the more we know the less we need to just believe and I think greater things were accomplished when we relied on faith than when we relied. Our own ability and Intelligence. Still, I think we are supposed to grow up and learn to do things for ourselves, but I suspect we will find how dismal our accomplishments will be when compared to those of past/ignorant civilizations.

I don't have the time to elaborate, but I wanted to mention that this is evidence that this "life" is merely a stepping stone.

my diet failure?

This diet was working! I had gained weight occasionally, but as long as I maintained it, I would eventually loose in the end. But I was on one of my ups, but it lasted longer than they typically do and I was trying to figure out what was going on. I had been ignorantly following the plan as determined by pressing a few buttons on my phone. I did not understand the science but, knew that it worked, even my husband commented that it was making a noticeable difference. But, I had noticed that the trends seemed to result as per metabolic confusion or some other diet change, that intern seemed like the fasting was working because I wanted it to, but clearly my body had caught on to what was happening and though my lifestyle was prepared to change forever, the effect would not. I was really upset about it, untilI was doing a but of reading about this new diet, and I learned that the effects are scientific, or maybe better understood as the effect is directly influenced by adherence, not some magical formula that predicted the hours and days of fasting. Further, it was commented on what a benefit the flexibility of it was. Both, In what one could eat and when. I was determined that my weight loss fluctuated because of what I ate, or what time, but that has practically no influence on the abstaining influence. If the effect is not felt, it could be that you do not notice it anymore or it could be to notice greater effect more fasting meaning longer time might be required for certain phases especially, when my blood sugar levels have been commented on a tested to be abnormally high, it stands to reason that it would take longer to lower the blood sugar and thus longer to reach autophagy. And, the great results at first were likely psychosomatic, and why I considered them to be so similar to other diets. It is a definite cause and effect that if I go for 18 hours without eating it will effect my physiology. I have noticed a definite effect in my cravings and desires, and my appreciation of other things.

The best thing about this diet is that it is honest. It is based on the principle of moderation. Indulging has an obvious effect, so fasting is the opposite and neither ought to be done without the other too much of one thing will surely desensitized a body.

It further makes sense that a healthy person would not indefinitely loose weight. My BMI snapped to it's  recommended Ideal, and I am not at all over weight, to be less would be unhealthy, and Why would I want that anyway? I always notice that when I exercise I gain weight, but I do not say that means exercise it bad. It likely says that muscle weight more than fat mass.  My clothes fit and that should be enough. I want to be thinner than I was, but my grandmother told me not to get sucked into wasting my time and effort of being skinny. She did and felt good about it at the time, but really she could have used her time better, and she just looks sickly in retrospect...kinda like looking at high hair in old pictures. At the time is seemed cool, but it is not natural and was purely a passing fad.

do you ever feel like ground beef?

You used to be worshipped in some countries, you were part of a cow, for crying out loud, give some respect!

Still, now you have been salvaged and ground up to feed some hungry children, but this must be a low point for you, you should've been part of something incredible or a steak or something,  but look at it like this: at least you aren't being used for meatloaf.

OK, this thought came while I was browning the meat for my hamburger helper. I was listening to the talk for church, waking the kids for breakfast while steeping tea for me and practicing piano to set a proper mood when I heard the sizzling from the stove top. I yelled over my shoulder, "yeah, I hear you already, just a moment." I finished the chorus, jumped up and ran to the meat, and laughed to myself about the lesson I was getting.Often we feel like we have reached our potential, we sizzle and pop trying to get God's attention, but like Elijah said to the priests of baal, um. Maybe he is too busy right now, or isn't listening. But, God does hear and has a purpose for you, and is waiting for you to find your correct state, you only think you are overdue. Or maybe you imagined a different purpose and the conflicts were endured with that purpose as your aim, but, you were being perfected for a different purpose...one you least understand or expect, but remember their source. Would I just overcook ground beef for no reason? No, that is why I shouted back that I hear your warning sizzles, you are ripening, I am coming. You will meet your purpose, and it will make my children happier than having a cow over for dinner!

Unity discussion

It is a word I do not fully internalize the significance of, but I just recognized a part of it that trying to lay my thoughts put in words will aid my organization and comprehension. There are certain things I do 100% believe, an many I only want to believe, then about 100% of things I do not know, so I have come to dislike the word and I try to avoid it like the words always and never. 

I do believe existence  is not coincidental. It was purposed and is old. Part of the purpose that is hard to comprehend is Unity when it is called interdependence when I work so hard to achieve self reliance, but, I do see times in my life where I had to purposefully give up that independence, in order to rely on others not fully believing yet that I should, but it was through doing that I could see that hope turn into a more solid belief. 

Too often, I question if I understand enough or even can, and lately, I recognized how fortunate my ignorance is...you can't get blood from a turnip, so, a vegtable I remain.  I am really getting side-tracked!

OK, so, certain things needed to happen, but they seemed impossible. Things happened and doors opened just as they need to. Things like this (berlin wall falling)are occurring at an unprecedented rate, and it has been given the name " hastening".

Even terrible things happened that resulted in Unity like never before making the cause almost insignificant besides its usefulness in bringing about a people of one heart and mind (*giggle*I hope someone else is donating the mind, I really do not have much to offer).

Oooh, gotta go set the table!

true justice vs. parental justice

I was trying to think of a metaphor to explain my ability to excuse a thing that might not be excusable.

I thought of two. First is more of an anecdote. When Jesus was bring crucified he prayed that those who suffered around him would be forgiven (not pardoned) because they knew not what they were doing. 

I got introspective about this, it seemed like he was qualifying their forgiveness, but what if a few others knew what they did, or meant to do it... I've got a lot of considering to do here. It does give an insight into the sort of parent Jesus has. He thought their ignorance was a motivating cause to forgive.

My second exple was a little child breaking a dress-code law that was clearly posted that requires shirt and shoes. It does not say anywhere that if you are too young to read, it is OK. But, we often "forgive" things our children say or do which are actually wrong, but demonstrate that they are well-meaning. I figure we are all like that to God.

It actually sounds pretentious when I think of how I would word such a compliment to my child: " I love that... because, I went through that phase, too. It is soo eye opening when you realize there are more colors than black and white. I, actually, only learned that from all my life of experience." I actually start to giggle when I remember Jane Eyre zinging Mr. Rochester for demanding obedience due to his vast experience compared to her.

must have a purpose, right?

I paused my very interesting video because I feared that I would loose this thought if I didn't jot it down. So, here's what I was thinking about earlier today:

I have always been told that a woman gets closer to understanding the Savior through childbirth. And earlier this week. I was relating trials of life to labor pains. I was getting very introspective about how it is soooo excruciating and yet we do it again, knowing the pain, cause of what we hope to gain. See the parallels to Christ? Well, amid that thought, I thought. Yeah, like a man is going to not have sex with his wife cause it causes too much pain....wait a sec! So, I had been taught that, 

I recall a commentary by Rick Springfield regarding the things that hive his life purpose, and he explained that he came closest to understanding life, though it might sound vulgar, during orgasims. Then, another teaching is that we can overcome any desire or addiction with the 

Hope of our future that will be even better than we could even imagine..

We are allowed to feel a portion of Godly joy in mortality through sex, and that is purposeful. Otherwise we might not multiply as is necessary. Ok. On to my new thoughts.

So if women gain this greater insight of suffering through child birth. What does man have? Oh, obviously, a wife to counsel with, a help meeting. But, then I realized man has to stand by and watch, and that is alot like God watching things occur that must, and not interfering. That seems far harder. Reminds me of Issac and Abraham but, mostly Moses and Aaron, uh, maybe more like Aaron and Miriam. Actually, childbirth is so very similar to the way Aaron was punished by Miriam getting leprosy. God is three-part in Christianity, and so it makes sense that while the woman gets a greater insight into the necessity of suffering and pain, like Christ. While men get a great insight into knowing that they caused such pain and suffering, and cannot interfere, like God, the father.

Separate and yet, the same. It is through uniting that they can comprehend the multi-purposed existence. 

neat little translation

I could not sleep, let me preface anything I now type with that if it seems nonsensical to me in the morning. So, I thought it a perfect time to increase my Icelandic vocabulary. And several other things I never do or have time for, so I played songs from words or phrases in my head like "It's been awhile." Blah, blah, blah...thought about some "Pushing Daisy's" video I made a very long time ago, and wondered a bit about who I was vs who I am, reminds me of that talk by Gordon B Hinkley about a tree in his yard and how little things end up making a big difference in the long run.... lol Svo markt, as always. Sorry, Too many words for one blog post, huh?

OK let's jump back to the point. I was using Google translate and was doing all sorts of silly words cause if I had no agenda I would actually remember the words, when I thought of one of the most significant words and it "translated" as a phrase "þykja vænt um" and so I worried that might not be at all what I meant. The word þykja meant consider and the verb and vænt sorta meant expected. This was another reason I love that language svo markt. Beyond just sounding the way humans should (like a cat should say meow), the word I started with in English was "cherish" and it was extremely perfect that it translated as meaning expectedly considerate. I wanted to record that.

it occurred to me why being the first is best

I was looking at the faces of young people on an ad. They were cartoons, and I thought, of course, why reinvent the wheel. Enough photographs have been taken that one need not find and hire a person to create a likeness or cartoon or anything.

My mind took off with that notion. It's all been done, no need to redo it. That made me think about how much I disagreed or wondered at all the interpretations of various poetry in college that gave the notion that one created art to endure...like a sculpture or something. Even in the movie "Annonymous" as the works of Shakespeare are taken, an argument happens between Ben Johnson and Edward's wife to the effect that the only way any of them will continue to exist is because her husband wrote it down.

This just couldn't be the reason things were created. Look at the pyramids in Egypt.  I refuse to believe so much effort was put into the effort of enduring there's more to it. I did not ever create music or art in hopes of living on through it. Oh dear, now my head is playing that song from the movie, "Titanic" so, that is the notion that mankind gives for families, too. We live on forever in our legacy. Yeah, well that may be where it started but my idea was that similarly we do not want to become successful because of the originality of our ideas, but it will, like thousands of Superman cells vying for a chance to be the next human if our creations are not original they will not likely continue, like photos taken and then copied in each form until the only original to exist is one that was true and lasted.

It reminds me of a quote I hate, "You will find it in the last place you look." Duh, why would you keep looking for a thing if you already found it?

When a wheel is needed inside a future device, it is not likely, one will say, "Now let's invent a tool that is round and completes it's task with each turn. I know, I know! Something like a wheel! A wheel? Oh yeah, it has already been invented. We will use that!

temptation

Temptation is a thing on my mind alot these past few weeks as I try to change my lifestyle (repent) by not eating. I use an intermittent fasting timer app that tells me when eating is forbidden, and honestly, I can feel it effecting my bodily wants. Like now, I ought to be rejoicing with food, but I ate a bit and am full and honestly do not even want anymore. I think this will be a change for the healthier. The real struggle is not when I can eat, cause then I do not feel like it, but the struggle is the temptation to just taste things. And this has been my real struggle,not a physi al one at all, but my need to depend on my spiritual strength a great deal more,  well that, and my son who always tells me, no. Do not eat it, mom, you will be unhappy.

OK, so back to temptations, my greatest enemy is my thoughts, they can rationalize Anything and make great arguments for just sampling a bit, at one point one of my kids was  even trying to show love by giving me a teensy peice of a thing I really love. I was reminded of Jesus Christ and how he was tempted several times and I want to be like Jesus, right. Ofcourse I do! So, I tell myself things I would tell him to help strengthen him, and it works. Putting things in that perspective makes me so strong....it is like our Sunday School teacher mentioned in her assessment of why Miriam was plagued with leprosy when Aarron wasn't, she thought it was alot like the way we feel about our loved ones when they suffer, it is so much harder to watch them suffer than to actually take the suffering on ourselves.

So, since temptation was on my mind, I applied it to another popular occurrence where women feel so impowered and as standersby we cheer it on... really? So, I am woman, hear me roar. I am good enough to deserve the best, and no one ought to stand in way. Hmmmm. It just seemed to me like Satan was winning that consciousness over. As he usually does, by mixing a teensy element of dishonesty with mostly truth. As we are all dazzled by the truth we allow a foot in the door, and before you know it, motherhood is abandoned. Now, no mother would ever purposefully choose themselves over their children, but that is what is allowed to happen because they are tempted in ways they were not expecting. 

I think of Jesus being tempted to turn stones into bread. Bread is good. Our bodies need it! It's not like he was tempted to steal a Loaf of bread from a starving child, it was a stone...no one would be hurt, right? I love what Jesus said in reply, he just side stepped that whole issue and reminded Satan that man does not live by bread, alone.

I wonder if that sort of thing happens far too often. I recall a friend trying to get me to smoke a cigarette and she promised me that no one else would ever know or be harmed by my choice. Regarding the success driven woman, it is perhaps an issue not of if anyone would be hurt or know so our Savior still side stepped the whole issue by reminding us that, "No success can compensate for failure in the home." (Harold B. Lee, on an old phone book cover in Ellijay, GA)

double knitting

A totally new idea here, what about reversible hats and scarfs, combined with fair aisle colorwork would be worth learning/doing.

how saving worms and cutting my toe taught me what a crutch science is

As I was walking to school this morning I noticed that the rain had caused several earthworms to be in the sidewalk. I decided that I was going to rescue these worms. One worm however started wrigling in my hand and I quickly tossed it and the wrong direction. I accidentally threw it into a road. Now, it could have easily not maybe not easily but it could have crossed the sidewalk and made it to the grass on its own before the sidewalk dried up and it died. But, now that I have toss it into the side of the road it had too far to go and it was impossible it would have ended up dead surely. I felt very sorry about this. In fact, I almost started crying and I decided that I would repent of this terrible thing I had done. 

When I got home I saw an earthworm outside of our home on the blacktop so it looked dead and I couldn't pick it up but it wasn't it wasn't trying to resist me at all so I figured it was must have been past being saved but I thought of how many people considered themselves past being saved, pretty deep huh? Suddenly, I had a great idea I looked quickly for a stick or something to slide under it because my fingers I was afraid to push pinch too tightly and smush it so I got a piece of grass and I split it underneath it and tried to pick it up and when I did I noticed it started moving and so I quickly was able to direct it towards the grass and in my mind I thought oh maybe I have sufficiently repented for throwing that other worm into the road cuz this one was going to survive.

It was at that point that I came to my senses I realize you know that worm so what if it dies. It can't feel anything because it doesn't have a brain. I was trying to humanize it and make it have feelings and purposes as we do. That is when the thought came to me wait a second we as humans say the only reason why we feel anything or sense anything is because of our brains well they don't have brains. Now is when my foot comes into play. 

 I was taking off my boots inside the home and I noticed that there is blood everywhere and I looked at the side of my foot apparently (maybe you don't know this about me but I have no feeling on my left foot) one of my toenails had grown a little bit too long and was cutting into my foot and I didn't feel it at all. I thought oh there's score one for science.

It was true I did not need to worry about that worm just as I didn't need to worry about my foot because I only would feel it if I had a brain or if my brain was communicating with my foot and worms didn't even have this. The same goes for bugs; so, I didn't need to worry so much about killing them in the future because they didn't feel anything and that's really what we decided mattered ultimately.

 We being my children. We discussed the thing about death that scared us. They agreed it was pain that they feared most, not passing away. This pain? Well, there is no pain for these animals, right?

Then I started really considering things. I thought well as long as the person doesn't have a brain then we could kill him, according to science. I had many such thoughts. Ultimately I decided that it's a good thing I don't put my trust in science. In fact, science is not necessarily trustworthy it's kind of like what I consider a crutch. I consider many things are crutch. These things are not bad things they're just things that are used temporarily to help us achieve something. But, I also noticed this morning that although my intentions were good at helping my children so often it also made them unable to do things that most children ought to be able to do. Likewise, I think science although gives us a little bit of peace of mind right now to have a sure answer it's actually help hurting us in the long run because it makes us dependent on it. When we're dependent on the things that we can think of that is dangerous.

Recently, I had decided that most of the things that I believe in are a result of things which I cannot comprehend but I know nonetheless. And eventually my thoughts will catch up. For now, my brain power is not strong enough.

doing time

Joseph, son of Jacob had a long time in prison (it took 2 years for the servant to remember him to the king), I was thinking a whole lot today about that time, and especially, how I can relate to feeling like you're so close yet imprisoned and unable to go and do...so, that lead me to consider throughout that time what Joseph would have preferred to have happen. I am going by the assumption that he was not aware of a master plan, though through studying his character traits, I started to doubt it. He had years in prison in which time he could do little else than pray and build a strong relationship with his Heavenly Father. I only think that he is clueless because I am. Now, I would not presume to tell God what to do, but I believe that I could know what was the plan....ok. I realize that much like the government, things are not told to the "pawns" not to elicit the response necessarily, but to protect them. Unlike Joseph, I could be pretty easily forced to share information best left unknown by others. It is like in tv programs how a person is not told to protect them...it reminds me of a Stargate Atlantis episode where the enemy can know thoughts without torture or the person even giving permission. So, the team made one guy, who thought he was so trusted and so strong no one could get to his thoughts, incorrect information and when his mind was read it mislead the enemy and it was actually all a part of the plan.

That is ultimately why I need to know a thing more than just know it intellectually. It has to do with the potential afforded by too much time in prison to reason out that the best deception is founded in mostly truth.

I am going to conclude with a quote from a former U.S. president: A house divided cannot stand. So, we are our own worst enemy.

Heredity and epigenetics

 When I was in my 20's I noticed trends of polling and at that time taking surveys seemed popular, so my idea was born of creating a spiritual aptitude quiz. It was sort of a digital extension of those tests in magazines that, by answering questions will tell you about yourself. Great idea, huh? Well, I never did it, but I only mention it now because the same idea came to me as it does periodically, this time it was more forceful and came as a result of watching classes on rootstech.

I was thinking about the history and obsession that fueled the genealogical industry, and I realized my idea could be used as a measure of heredity much the way DNA tests and links "cousins". 

I am obsessed with the fact that there simply are identifying features about us, and as I was talking toy mother about so many "cousins" marrying each other. We decided that it was a natural thing for like-minded or behaviors to group together. We noticed how throughout time, unaware, we suspect, the bloodlines that made us up were always in the same general locations. Similarly, I noticed how many people locally seem to be related to me, but it seemed to be pure chance that I ended up here... or was it?

In previous coursework, I read about epigenetic. There was a very interesting study about holocaust survivors and evidence of their plight found in future generations. Grandchildren had psychological evidence of having survived a great ordeal when they had not personally endured any such thing. Ok, kids in bed... I'll need to be concise.

It seems to me that people of a certain type or situation would have common traits, and so they could be grouped by common answers to a quiz so that combined with Haplogroups "cousins" could be identified.

For example: there was a time of famine in some documented location so if a proper question was asked it could identify anyone who descended from those who endured it. I want to look up the country and such, but  not able to right now. 

Without giving much of an explanation as to what epigenetics are, let it be known that they are inherited inhibitors of certain DNA. I have noticed many large databases of genetic samples asking questions and further sorting, it is much like one does with red headed people in saying their hair color is a scotch-irish indicator. It is not one hundred percent accurate,but when combined with other facts it can be used as a "angle". One angle used with a known length of a side can geometrically determine what otherwise is not known.

OK, the kids are impatient for my attention, and knowing that we cannot focus on more than one thing at a time; I must turn my focus to them or fail at both explaining my inspiration and being a mother.

Cherish

Don't actually know what to conclude yet, just realize that was a significant power play. Reality is hard to comprehend right now.

I have not decided what is real and what is hoped for yet, I just know that where ever I look, there you are.

https://youtu.be/1aFied2YYVg

Heavenly FATHER

I understand that although many religions worship a diety not all call it the same thing. In theology belonging to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe and pray to a FATHER who is in heaven, thus a Heavenly Father.

As I explored this choice of the word FATHER ofcourse it occurred to me that would make us all children. All being of one family is an important concept, one embraced throughout time and belief systems.  One that really held my interest for the longest time was Kabbalism. Where (I cannot phantom to break down what they believe in a paragraph let alone a sentance) science and spirituality merge, based wholy on the concept that we are one, not merely a family, but an actual unit and each is a part of the whole. This idea sat well with my notions of being children of God, and wondering why we would call him our father. I even speculated, independently if he was a father in the same sense as we are mothers and fathers... okay. Time to go on a tangent, hopefully I'll come back to finish this thought, but. Unlike many religions, we believe that God was once like we are, at least that is what I was taught, but I have not spoken with others about this or anything, but it us in scripture that God was once like us and we aspire to become like him...fast forward to the person Abraham (which sorta means FATHER, right) and we make sense of all of his hardship because it is common knowledge that trials are likened to refining. The improvement we hope to gain is in a direction of our FATHER and Jesus Christ claimed that his father was the only good (what we define as moral correct).

Just last week, I studied that any thought that helps us towards good is of God. It was a given system to determine if thoughts and ideas were even true.

You'll have to think on your own from here, my kids need me....sorta ironic, perhaps intentional.....bye 

have patience

This morning, I had a song stuck in my head, so, I looked it up in YouTube and after I watched it, I told my kids, "I know why this song is stuck in my head!" Cause we were studying the story of Abraham and Sarah who were promised numberless children, but were getting too old, and they got it, and so what I was thinking about began.

Sarah was so very impatient with the Lord, even though she and Abraham were promised numberless children, she was going to take matters into her own hands and make it happen, so she gave her slave to her husband to have children, as if God needed her to figure out a way, granted sometimes it seems like He does, maybe not need, but wants us to figure things out as part of our growth. I am thinking about the story from last week about the tiwer of Bable, and when the Jaredites were commanded to cross the sea in those crazy submarine-like boats, they needed light, but God instead of just solving that problem, asked "what do you want me to do?" Jared and his brother presented a solution and crossed the waters as asked with help.

OK, back to Sarah. God did not say, "Oh, you're right Sarah, that is a terrible problem. What should be done?" She just understood the trouble in her mortal way and took it upon herself to solve it and make God's promise possible. But, she ended up very jealous and sent the slave and child away and ended up having her own child...so I ding, "have patience, have patience..."and think of how I always try to solve issues that do not seem to be working out the way intended. Perhaps, I do not understand what is actually going on. Like an advertisement where a car pulls out from behind slow traffic, and it is commented that from the perspective of the camera it was just bad driving, but from the driver's perspective it was just not patient. The ad was for a device that increases the driver's perception so they will not make bad choices like that. Similarly, I need a device that grants me eternal perspective so I can accept things and just be patient knowing that God keeps his promises, and is working on a different time frame.

https://youtu.be/iL1BRPEjMZA

disgruntled

I've heard the last straw. I hear so much protest about how the media handles thing, or backlash at Hollywood for it's rose colored remakes of history, but enough is enough. There are flatly, too many cooks in the kitchen, all preparing the same recipe, it is unlikely any of them would meet the expectations of the one who wrote it in the first place. 

My real gripe is with people who from trusted positions tell lies. Now, I feel resentment towards most and skepticism towards everyone.

I kept having nightmares last night, and the most frightening adversary was a tiny, cute, fuzzy bee, that I only allowed myself to be stung in the first place because I trusted that it wouldn't sting me, but it did and I panicked and woke myself up in pain worried about anafalactic shock, realizing it was just a dream, I began wondering what wisdom my mind had conjured up, and quickly related it to a popular, unrational fear of this stupid, contagious flu further, how the fear of it causes more damage and likely pain as well... my daughter has been so sensitized that she honestly fears death via covid, when in reality, she is far more likely to be hit by a car walking home. Oh, I'm just disturbed.

 Now even little things are ticking me off when usually not much does. Seriously, it is like my son telling me that as a responsible adult, I ought to go tell my neighbor to quit smoking, cause it is killing her. So, I told him I knew for a fact that anyone who plays roblox will die. And that's the sort of crap that is ticking me off. A whole lot if truth leading to a true conclusion, but applied out of context.

 Just yesterday I saw an episode of Stargate Atlantis again, about a group of people who believed they needed to commit suicide at 25 years of age to protect their loved ones....and they were right that over population would result if people lived longer, which would force them to colonize new areas that were not protected. So, it was true, but there was another solution. I apply that logic to many global situations. Like how many people do unnecessary things like kill themselves because it makes logical sense to do so...alright, I'm just being silly now.

I woke up thinking about 2 things

I wondered if perhaps my Icelandic and Greenlandic roots were falsified to get me to research, knowing what sort of person I am (from demographic info and the like online), but that would be entirely false anyhow, cause I was also targeted with dating stuff about self women looking for a husband, huh? OK, something was was off there. Then, I thought, oh yeah, for a minute we will all believe 100% in my patriarchal blessing... well, it states that my ancestors are depending on me to get things worked out for them. I used to wonder why me when I have so many siblings, but continuing on my thought and not jumping to a new shinier one, it is believable that such ancestors are trying to help by pointing me in the right direction. Then, I started thinking about how a totally ignorant seeming site had calculated my DNA as being 100%closer match than any and all matches on their site. I figured well, they might just have a very small database. But, then I pieced together that with my Scottish, Swedish and Sachsen background, I makes sense that I would have similar DNA. Ofttimes, this changes as a database grows, then I remembered that every single Icelander has been recorded genetically when given a government ID, so, the match is not likely to change anytime soon. Then, I calculated it myself with the raw data and found the centimorgans to place not only a commonality with a recorded Icelandic murderer, but a descendent. Huh?

OK, this brings me to my next BIG idea, I call it, the "Stargate Deception". I have been a long time huge Stargate fan. But, the entire premise is based on telling a lie, or by telling a lie, I mean, not telling anything.... oh hey, side track, by that definition, my husband is almost constantly deceiving me, in not telling me what he is doing. I just figure it is for my own good, and I seem to lack a basic curiousity..curiosity...  but, regarding the Stargate, it is a thing that is withheld from public knowledge, like most things that might cause panic. I loved the movie "Deep Impact" where it is decided that the public ought not know that their extinction in imminent. Last year, about this time, I also read a book called "The Biblical Clock" where basically (forgot the actually wording) it was said that the whole creation's purpose has been hidden, or that we would not purposely know what was going on, so that we would choose what we would choose, sorta like the concept of soft determinism. So, in a sense, it is freedom to not know. In that light it is manipulative to say, you will die unless you do this, but this morning, we learned that it was freedom for Adam and Eve to choose to eat a fruit, although it was forbidden. Again, soft determinism. They were warned of the fatal consequence, but manipulation is not forcing someone to do something cause obviously they chose otherwise.

Everything ends up being about "tower battles"

I watched a video about how the Lord asks us to be his hands, and someone who could not do much asked what on Earth they could do. It reminded me of how "noobs" seem unequal to the task of defeating a void, but they are not useless when they team up with others they can do great things. I found that to be true once I was actually helped a great deal by  someone who had "starter",(useless) towers who enabled me to get a ZED.

Then, today our Opening song was 251 "Behold! A Royal Army" the chorus was "Victory" the announcement when you win in tower battles!

Ezekiel

 I decided this morning that I was going to, ever so slowly, little by little, improve myself, and that is what the sacrament is for. So, I started such an easy tiny change of reading one bit of scripture everyday. Wait, I pretty much do that, but not perfectly.

I was assured in my choice when someone caused me to worry as I almost always do, if it is better for me to seek my own interest or that of my children... shouldn't it be the same thing?  The conclusion was plain and simple, " You're worrying about the wrong thing. " they are the same thing if I am seeking to care for and love my family the best I can, it will be the best for me, and anything else is stumbling block, or temptation to lure me away from what is important. I worry about who will be sealed to whom because my family is so scattered, but a person speaking said to the point that if we focused on living so that we would be worthy to live with our father in Heaven, we will find the living arrangements so marvelous, worrying about anything else would seemlike a waste of time.

OK, so what does this have to do with Ezekiel? Actually, I am not sure yet. I have spent nearly a year reading it, and I have formed some very incredible theories, but those theories sort of prod me on to some sort of discovery dedication to truly understanding the mind of God through my personal commitment to study one chapter a week from that book until I die. It seems like an easy promise, but one I feel sort of frightened to make, so I share what reaffirmed my commitment. A speaker said this, (paraphased)" I play basketball, and a coach told me that he could set up the perfect play but that I need to take the shot." That is almost exactly what I think, though I have never said to anyone. I always think of the slam dunk competitions and an alley-oop. Anyhow, everything has been done, and Here I am and I honestly ought not whimp out of pursuing such great knowledge. Strangely, I think of Odin and how knowledge was so worth it he not only sacrificed a bit, and took the shot, but he even gave his eye. Might I similarly be willing to give up simple comforts or the risk of being wrong to find the truth?

I WILL. 

So, I am going to begin this week studying one chapter of Ezekiel until I know it all well enough to take the next step in uncovering truth, though, I honestly do not know what that step will be yet.

Biđur

When you reach the point that you need to pray, then you already have your answer.