while we are putting little tags on everyone...

Whenever I start to think of what I would be right now, I begin to feel more acutely alone. I do not know if I would have fit it actually, but things I enjoyed and excelled at even if I did not become any better in the past 10 or so years. It is like I spent my every waking hour honing my skills and achieving heights practically unfathomable by those around me now. And it is just assumed that I am some interested armature at best at things I was once the champion of... it frustrates me and gives me compassion for those "non verbal autistic" children I knew. I could tell they knew far more than the average child, but could not say, but maybe it is not the same at all cause perhaps they do not even want to communicate, assigning them n similar desires is like how we "humanize" vehicles or strange jungle creatures. I have been full of the notion today that we only receive as much as we can handle, oh, then the idea that always crowds out other explanations for my "disability"...maybe, it is a blessing to loose the ability to chase and pursue a thing I already mastered. It is what I love and so it hurts to be separated,  it reminds me of my trombone/choir teacher/advisor in college who said that he had a bandectemy. When I was younger I had to actually decide not to pursue cheerleaders and dance  (which I loved) to be able to devote myself more fully to music and running....neither or which I can do now, but my father taught me a valuable lesson. He told me about this lady who became a leading expert in her field and discovered things no one else ever could about earthworms. Because, no one with her intelligence would purposefully choose to study earthworms, but she could not, for some reason, pursue her original interest and so she somehow decided on a different path... instead of one in a million  brilliant physicists she became the one and only "Earth worm Lady". I think I was supposed to focus on raising my children, it is not that I could not do anything else, But, I really shouldn't and to make sure I now could not do anything worthwhile but ensure my children grow up right. I will likely be interviewed about such a stewardship and ultimately, that pursuit will be of greater significance than being a world renowned musician. So, you see how I always end up thinking about Ludwig von Beethoven?