Ok, I have reached the point of many names. Many have traveled here and given this place a name. It is referred to popularly as self-actualization. Every one goes through it, and musicians sing about it. On some level everyone can find some way they relate and want to know that as they "become" or "wake up" whatever you want to call it "everyone wants to feel like someone cares" or " we read to know that we are not alone."
It feels like I have actually been born again and from this moment forward I am aware of the choices that I make. As a new level of awareness, I am accutely aware of negativity, mostly feelings. So, I do not want to have them at all. But, even thinking of Utah makes me feel cross. And yesterday, I was just walking in a store and no one even looked at me, but I was hateful feeling. I do not want to have these types of feelings. I do not speak out or express them, but I do not want to even have them.
A few weeks ago someone mentioned how we all have triggers, or maybe you have heard someone mention pushing buttons, but there were absolutely no buttons anywhere. This is not that. This is agency, not something akin to Pavlov's dogs. Where one simply reacts, like "falling in love". When you fall you are not in control at all. So, I think that explains waves of divorce, a large number of people gave up their ability to chose and then when they stop falling or hit bottom or maybe fall in love again, they are not in control, love is. How convenient.
Well, I am in control, and it feels like the skit I saw as a teen where they compare life to a three act play, and I suddenly find myself in act two surrounded by actors. The show must go on? Or, do I admit that I do not know at all what is going on? I was trying to tactfully find a new scene, but, I know that everyone else involved is invested and it is pretty selfish to only think of my place. And yet, if I do not say something I might be surrendering my will and my ability. The ability, that I actually recognize, to not allow negativity, which is why I am trying to figure out what causes it.
Cookies are done. And such shall be my concluding punctuation. They are sugar free cookie, though!
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I was trying to fall asleep, but kept thinking about John the Baptist rowing a boat to the 3rd heaven, and how cool of an idea that is. It us such an artistic way to teach what is taught to us as "strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life" anyhow, as I pondered such things I thought a while about why negative thoughts bother me so much. And I thought if that scripture "we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." And longest and most significant of all was the book I read from my mom's library on hot hot Mississippi summer about how although we are baptized and given the Holy Ghost, we do not actually recieve it until much later in most cases. And I think that is true for all of that temple work we do with not even a glimpse ofvthe supernatural manifestations so commonly mentioned. For each mentioned there are probably thousands that are not even worthy of mention, the readons are many, but one could be that at the very instant we provide a way for them may jot be the instant they recieve it.
I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all of my life, and only just now, have I understood the power of baptism to the point where I am born again.
“Regret is not a proactive feeling. It is situated in disappointment, sorrow, even remorse. It merely wishes things were different without an act to cause a difference. However, repentance is different. Repentance is an admission of, hatred of, and turning away from sin before God.”
― Monica Johnson
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