I did it!

I figured it out. It was such a small detail that it seemed  insignificant, it was an anxiety that I didn't even kniw about... it was stress caused by failure to loose weight that was causing glucose spikes, ya da ya da, ultimately a total failure. It is like that scene from. Harry Potter with the trap made by a plant that tightens if you try to get away, so you need to give up to get away. I had to decide that I didn't care if I lost weight and I started losing weight! I stopped exercising and excessive fasting and blood testing. Now, this is absolutely not the answer for everyone. But, my parents taught me the best lessons first, ask yourself why you want what you want. And that every person does not equal every other person. I also felt like I needed to make the loss of lives even of my ancestors worth it, so I repeated in my head,"Do I chose freedom or being pretty." It can be reduce to a simple choice of Heavenly Father's plan or not. And I rewatched conference and remembered that Mortality Really works, and Mary, my daughter always tells me, "just trust the process." And I realized it comes down to trusting prayers and promises as I read and re ite from the scriptures or those stupid influencers most of which I have proven to be wrong. Still want to believe that there might be an odd exception somewhere? No, I chose to belief that if I pray for a thing I will get the best possible outcome (like Moana praying to find Maui and getting shipwrecked.)

reimaging

It is the same thing as happened in cross-country in Indiana. starting out I was faster than average, then as the year and training progressed I didn't and it didn't upset me. I was no longer the fastest, as it was assumed, and my coach used to get upset that I wasn't even trying or anything, but I was,  finally I just explained that I was trying hard all year whereas others tweaked their performance to peal about now in the season, whereas I never peaked, I just was always at 100 percent. It is like the volume dial on your TV. Others were pretty quiet and made me seem loud, but as they turned up their goals, I started to blend in. Using that metaphor with my body/weight I have always been ideal, that is what my grandmother, my dad and my son were trying to express. I cannot loose weight and others do, but so what, I just am. I got to thinking about my Pat. Blessing at it promises health to accomplish everything. That is a pretty miraculous gift.  Looking back, I did not overcome the odds to walk again because of my incredible efforts. I often said it if was my time, then I would die, but fretting about it certainly wouldn't change it. Likewise, I grew, into a pretty tall woman, not because I chose it and did what was required. The same will be true with my physique.  I am merely changing and need to stop trying to mold myself into the way I want to look. I honestly think that I will be happier if I just...que sera sera.

Accordingly, I am going to, noy play favorites even, but just start over with a new body and only wear clothes that I like, so that It will not take effort to find something to wear and I absolutely will not spend money on ways to try to change me appearance in any way, too expensive. I want to be presentable and not apprehensive, but my days of trying to be this elusive thing called beautiful are over.

this morning's diet realization

I had decided it was all good theory, but not practice as I ended a prolonged fast very disappointed getting none of the expected results, I felt like I had been scammed. This time it hurt because I believed it fully, whereas many times I merely had a hope crushed.

I still couldn't share the feeling like I could do something and giving up was not it. This morning I realized something. It was my high, exercise induced glucose. That was what needed to change. My exercise was a trigger, and stressed me and kept me from loosing weight. I did not exhaust my sugar stores or convert to fat burning, because this was neither the time or place. My over exercise communicated that I was constantly in pursuit and my very life must be at stake cause I did not even have time to sleep or recover.

   I am going to try again, only, this time, I am not going to increase my work, but do less, sleep more and fast comfortably. I still believe it will work, and that the failure lies on my end.

Just had this thought to add as the kids left for school. I have been staying up past 11 cause of my husband, and getting up at 4 am for my son for over 15 years, no wonder my body has issues trusting me. I want to do a 5-day reset and then just establish a plan of going to bed and sleeping continuously for at least 6 hours, and then not eating between the hours of 7pm and 3pm. That should be easy easy. And eliminate anything, but daily peaceful walking.

fasting take 2

 My IF journey. Huh? I thought you gave that up out of execerbation because it ate your muscle and slowed your metabolism. It is true, that I decided to stop restricting myself and I began seriously with resistance training, but I accidentally missed a day and it became two and I felt like a failure because I had read that you cannot reset your metabolism, and somewhere deep down it nagged at me that I was building fat by eating so much when I wasn't even hungry anyhow. I needed to face it. It was the fact that even if I did increase my muscle and speed upp my metabolism, my balance is so poor that regular exercise is not even an option for me. Whereas fasting is. I just happened to decide to fast for 24 hours at the same time I was fasting 24 hours for church... ya da ya da, I realized fasting was approved, or reccommended by God much as avoiding pork had been, sure it had been used as a tool to measure faithfulness, but it had benefits, So, I decided to go a full 24 hours no food, no drink. It was also a long, holiday weekend, so I had decidded to go running on a track in Walnut on Monday morning, but my fast had not ended yet. I started to worry, but watched videos where those documenting their fasts performed regular exercise despite eating, so I knew that I would be fine, and knowing that, I was. only I did drink one cup on tea, thinking the water would be necessary, and it was Ashwaganda tea, as well, so it might make any resulting muscle soreness less severe. Well, I ran, with no problem, and am even more committed to fasting,

I have LONG time thought that eating one time a day seemed natural to me, and I found out many, many,many people achieve sustainable results doing a 20/4 fast, or only allowing a 4hour eating schedule, which fits perfectly with when my family eats together.

It is still hard to not eat, especially when I endure lows in bloodsugar, but, I honestly believe that somehow my body stores banks of Glycogen throughout my body and when it taps into them I feel better, and am able to continue on to what takes so long for my body to depeat it's sugar reserves, so that I can start to benefit and switch over to ketosis.\, or fat burning. It took me a very long time when I becan a few years ago, I felt like breaking the 150lbs barrier was going to be impossible, but then it happened one day when I went to the grocery store. I didn't crave anything. even if I had tons of money I had no desire to eat things that were bad for me, or good for me either. I ought to have been soooooooo dang hungry, but I felt nothing...well, as far as need to eat went. I also had a sort of epiphany where I understood that I had broken my food addiction. And that addiction was a POWERFUL thing, but although I had not done anything special as far as a dieting routine or protocol, When I weigh myself daily, I was loosing so much weight! I actually dropped to below 130lbs. In college I was very fit and my lowest was 140lbs. but, when we moved, though I had not gain alot of weigh I settled in at about 145, and decided it was from loosing muscle and I no longer wanted to fast. At first, I needed to force myself to eat, because not eating just became natural to me. but I am now at 165lbs and I decided that eating more isn't doing anything but storing sugar as fat, and my clothes are not fitting anymore. Though, my BMI is still not in the "Overweight" range some how I must change.

That is were I am now, I just listened to a really good podcast and I had noticed that many people who succeeded, as I had, with IF left and came back and were able to maintain and recapture their sucess. One time, it was said by a professional, actually, if a person fasted for 36 hours and then ate normally throughout the rest of the week, the results would bethe same as IF. Ah hah! the IF just works well for me, with my given circumstances. Plus, at my stage in life, just not eating is easier to maintain that a regular fitness routine.

I did notice that the things that seemed to cause my success were eating properly, and regular exercise. both are eay for me. I certainly can eat fatty, processed foods, but they are like smoking or drinking, just Why? when I am no longer addicted. It is similar to what my friend Rizki said about not eating bacon. It is very easy when it is just not available. what is hard is sitting down to a meal and not being able to eat like everyone else. I could not maintain that, though I can do it ( though my husband claims that I am trying to kill myself). but.... don't get me started on the things people believed would harm them, but it turns out that was just a misunderstanding, like looking at the Sun.....

My quizzical pondering

I must bookmark this idea, I decided to memorize one idiom in Icelandic each day. Today's was "Rúsínan í pysldanum." Or the raisin at the end of a hotdogs 🌭 🤔.  Cue tge wheels that generate ideas in my head, I started to wonder if common idioms in Icelandic were idiom in Old Norse. Guess that will remain a musing.

Indiana Jones and Gandalf

We learn what is essential to know through whatever source is available to us. What we learn is more relevant to who we are in significance than who is teaching.

I will give an example.

In the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. As the climax is reached, the protagonist (Indy) has to decide which of the Cups is the Holy Grail. He says that despite what popular opinion teaches the cup would not be ornate. In the movie, it ends up that he is correct and gets to save the day. But, what he seemed to have been teaching was how hard it is to make a proper choice. 

Next, we have the example from the Lord of the Rings where the fellowship is sort of trapped in a caved in tunnel and they are looking to Gandalf to determine the correct way. He eventually does so, and Frodo asks him if he instantly recalled by some revelation or something, and Gandalf replies in a way that casts all supposition on a lofty wisdom that he is able to discern the correct way using his own sense of smell, and one way just smells fresher. So, the same lesson is taught to a different audience on how to make a choice between things that are hard to instantly, and are of great consequence.

Both examples teach that discerning truth is best not left to popular opinion or even some supposed mysterious intelligence. I would like to assert that the same is true with religions. Different God's are like different protagonists of a story intended to teach a principle that must be known. And to me, it explains why there are so many similarities. Perhaps, they are coming from the same source (origin) .

dirty vegtables

I am dwelling on a thought that seems trivial, but it keepd popping up so, I will write it down and be done with it. It started when I was cutting my lettuce this morning. I wondered what sort of life it had, and to end up in Mississippi? And what's that smell? Is it just dirt? Wonder if I ought to be planting my own garden yet, it might be too cold at night, though we did watch a video this morning about how hardy growing things become after being exposed to adversity...ya da ya da... I ended up thinking as I washed an old dish if maybe that strange earthy smell when I cut vegetables is the introduction of an invasive species into my too clean environment. Maybe if I kill off too many micro organisms the only ones left will be immune to my "cleaning" and it will be a situation like in Dune where the machines meant to help man took over. Perhaps, buying vegetables at the store will make a super soldier parasite that will take over the world! Oh no!

But, now I am laughing as I recall a woman who told a story about the Danes selling shoddy grain to Icelanders who actually ate it and then told some "far out" stories like some weird amalgamation of a bull that ended up tormenting and killing it's creator, and his descendents.

Moral of this story, becareful how much you clean those outsourced vegtables! 😀

wonder

My foremost wonder is if I have enough time to type out these thoughts, because I must stop new ones to use brain power to record them, and my mind is full and in constant generation of new thoughts and ideas today.

I was thinking about the apostle who needed to be healed, which lead to likening that to my need. It *is* all true...it being the power if heaven/God the Father. So, I have decided from watching "It's a Wonderful Life" that I was going to rely on other means for financial success, if that actually is needed or matters. Then "A Christmas Carol" came on reminding me that money does nothing to decrease awareness of things like ignorance, I found myself singing the lyrics to "when We Stand Together " by Nickleback....especially the part about just turning the TV off rather than seeing something we do not want to see....or the Kevin Montgomery song about "putting a band-aid on it with a five dollar bill"...ok but back to the original thought. I had been applying a concept to nearly everything in my life many of which are "essential, but not sufficient". And I used to claim all of the time that so much of healing was due to prayers being answered, but if that is true that is acknowledging that God could save, but had not done so completely.... we'll, why? I have been healed enough to function (essentially) but not entirely.

I do believe that I could be healed entirely, so I am back to needing to watch season 3 of The Chosen : https://youtu.be/KZDvcEkjthA?si=_Rk2-v_Qslx1YAFu

my new perspective on dieting

I decided that I would choose to follow the prophet when it comes to my dieting, cause it is not working, but I recalled that my testimony includes a premarital existence, and regardless qhat I believe... I used to believe 200% in Intermittent Fasting and it worked when I believed, seems like I ought to have read more instead of giving up. Too late, I have gained all of my weight back and sadly reached the 160 mark this week.

Back to the premarital existence thingy, I was imagining my person knowing that I would have this body, and accepting it as part of the exciting plan, and although it seems unlikely or unintelligent, I DO believe that and then I looked in the mirror and sighed, but decided that it was time to diet? No. It was time to think Celestial. I pondered on what I needed to do to make this body excellent eternally, and if being slightly overweight even though I am exercising and eating well, probably it doesn't matter. Then, I started thinking about all of the people whom I consider beautiful, but are overweight by my standards. And it worked! Thank you, no more dieting for me. I will merely, think Celestially.

my thoughts

My thoughts are like little children this morning trying to win my attention so that I might follow them down different roads each of which is highly fascinating, and they were all born of one idea: Ease.

I think I should like to write a story about a person facing a decision and the roles flip flop as more is understood, and the most interesting part of the conflict is when the "bad" side promises ease and seems to endow on one side and the next where the "good" side offers pain and suffering and a bleak future. I think of what my son was saying this morning about teaching a starving man how to get food, versus just "putting a bandaid on it with a 5 dollar bill."

Oh, now I am remembering an institute class in Auburn, Washington when we talked about helping homeless people on the waterfront the night before. I held firm that I was glad to "enable" the beggars because they had practically no freedom to choose,  and that was what I was giving them when I tossed my contribution. Where as my friend rebuked me and claimed that I ought to have taken them to eat and paid for it so that I could be sure they were honest about what they were going to use the money for... but, that misses my point and reason for helping or as Joseph calls it "giving cheerfully".  After hearing him this morning, I realize it is not at all matter of what I did or did not do, as long as it was motivated by pure love. The end.

in a daze

I have not written much as of late because I have not had sufficient time to organize my thoughts, but before this season too passes without word from me, I wanted to share my latest pondering, it is regarding a supposed history... based off of DNA findings.I assumed the narrative which I had heard was true regarding the settlement and Christianization of Iceland. And that was fine for the majority, but, it certainly did not explain my own findings. Fir a long time I had been worried that DNA might be incorrectly interpreted and so I hesitated to make conclusions based on what it suggested: I had almost 100% closer match to the Icelandic remains, when in comparison to other samples (users or peers).  I am of Norwegian heritage, yes, but not nearly as much as one ought to be if the story of early settlement was accurrate...if I was at all Icelandic, which keeps showing up as a heritage strangely enough, then I ought to be significantly Norwegian. Yesterday, on our walk, I decided it was the Celtic part that was Icelandic, not the insignificant Scandinavian. Anyhow, it was a long thought out process that led me to the conclusion that my Irish/Scottish/British heritage was the truly interesting one all along. I had been chasing other notions and possibilities when, more than likely the reason I matched, not by any big website that did the processing and told me who I was, but because I matched the decoded DNA of early Irish remains undeniably, and it is that same code that keeps appearing and linking me to all of these odd places like  Pictish Skotland, Greenland, Iceland, etc. I just had heard all the stories that seem to fit and match surnames on family search as well, to place me as an Erikson who had been sent from one place to the next, but at the same time, I had undeniable proof that I was descended from other rulers on their perspective lands, so it could not be through their blood lines. Oh yeah, another thought I always have is how a website can say that I closely match enough, enough shared code that I am descended from these dead people on obscure islands... and yet I am not significantly Norwegian... that in itself is confusing. My recent ancestor was born in Sweden, but records say that her parents were both born in Norway, or the one census record claims Finland, so I say broadly Scandinavian.so, I am actually Norwegian, but not sufficiently so to explain the Icelandic connection.then, I randomly found this morning that my closest match on my true ancestry was Saxon Iceland, so, I had assumed that referred to the large chunk of Germans who ruled Sachony, and ended up with the surname Sachsen or something, but it probably referred to the English/Scottish settlers who would have been called Anglo Saxon. So, I went with that, and found a not to be trusted Wikipedia article that claimed that the earliest settlers on Iceland were Irish monks, and THAT made perfect sense.

It is 4:30. I need to get sleep before the day starts. It starts at 6am with Breakfast and Scripture Srudy before school. ..so, know that I still ponder on useless things, I just don't find much time to write about it.

How Runes can be thought of as more than merely letters

I must come back and clarify this thought, until then have this:

https://youtu.be/od-xkRDw6nk

And let your thoughts take you without my help.

quantum entanglement

I have too much to say, but wanted a place holder so that when I sort it out, I have a place to put it.

Most of my thoughts were generated by reading The gospel of John chapter 14 or maybe it was 13, anyhow, it was Jesus trying to explain a concept that was outside the scope of his disciples understanding, but he did a very good job explaining how two things could be entirely linked, in. "I and my father are one."

ethniticity

I cannot help but think about reality when I consider the interrelatedness of cultures. But, at this point I am noticing cultures that claimed ethnicities, mostly due to being forced to "not meld".

At first I was listening to a song that was sung in Faroese, and the island claims Nordic ethnicity, and I could understand the words and was going to guess it was Icelandic, though I bet someone who actually knew Icelandic would say it sounded like some Celtic babble, and that rabbit hole opened up to contemplation of Sean Nos and a special stringed instrument, that was Greek in origin, but as I listened to a Galacian piece played in an Irish style I could have swore it sounded like a sitar. And critics of the Irish singing claimed it sounded Indian(S Asian). I thought, how interconnected and by music. Then I considered Eleanor of Aquitaine and her father and wondered what ethnicity they would claim to be, just then, it struck me again how odd that isolated part of a larger inheritance formed into an ethnicity where men and women were the same height. It made sense in that light how my ex-husband always said he was average height for a male, but he was the same height as me, but I was perfectly average height for a woman, and my closest match to ancient DNA was from bones found on Rathland island, and yet I am called Scandinavian on one site and then celtic on another, and one site strangely gives a 99% accuracy to their placing an ancestor in Hahn China though,  it is surely an admixture, it was just honed in on because it was what distinguished me from other Italians. Oh, dear me!

need to bookmark this

Often, what my brain does is provide a vessel or bowl for ideas to be sort of mixed together, much like the reflection described by "Tabula Rasa"

One Idea that always mixes strangely with other ideas is one that I am pretty certain was never intended. It is the lyric to a song "Entangled" by Ástiðir the lyric is "there is no honest way of telling us apart." And maybe it is the word honest that conjures up who is considered the great "Lawyer, Lier..."(credit goes to Morrissey for that lyric) so I always think it is about Lucifer and Jehovah suggesting they might be twins or something, and that they are so extremely similar. And that idea just played out in my mind as I was revisiting, as I often do, Kabbalah. And it is noted how similar psychedelic experience is to  true spiritual sensing of the world.

For some reason, I wanted that thought to be preserved as I empty and clean my "mixing bowl" or vessel to make room for my next serving.