Demograghic

This thought occurs often, and because it is uncomfortable I push it away. In short, my husband is very much the same as the demographic I dislike and call it Black, but I am not racist. And so it is not a skin type that I dislike, it is an attitude generally. Shown by a type of living. We are all poor down south. One result that I identify with is the honest, misunderstood, but ever inventive redneck. Then there is the culture of poor people who desire to appear like they are not poor. They drive nice looking cars and wear designer clothes and blare popular music and buy up all of the latest tech gadgets. They hope to give an air of happy and successful. But, they sacrifice by living in squallor. Sadly, it works on the mentally deficient and the government though.

Generation after generation they continue to live this social lie, so they intermarry and become a very big poor lie. Most of these folk are black people who live off of government subsidies and complain about entitlements while others work hard, figure out what must be done and actually become wealthy. It reminds me of the whole "give the man a fish or teach him to fish" thing. It is not a race that I dislike so much it is a demographic of leeches who neglect self improvement because they are so concerned with how they will look.

Another day, another dream

Back story: My dreams are always more intense when I fall back asleep after Mary wakes me up, like she did last night. I almost think those dreams are the ones that have a bit of my awareness in them. Mary Anne woke me up several times just as I fell asleep. Whining about wanting to see another "Toy Mom" episode on Youtube. I think Youtube is addictive. They pedal ideas that are so sugary even Joseph wakes up wanting to watch it. So far I do not think it has done any harm, neither is currently watching.

I had such a weird dream.

I was in a class and as always an incredible thought came much after the question that cause it had passed, but then the teacher asked, is there anything else to add, and I thought "who cares how I appear? This is my opportunity to share this nagging thought!" I raised my hand and the teacher ignored it. I was upset, but then I was so busy feeling upset that I forgot my original thought anyway. I thought, hmmm. If I remember it I will be sure to blurt it out instantly but I never thought of it, even now, I cannot remember it. I realized once again that any brilliance I ever have is not of myself and the second I do anything to drive it away, I am left with just myself which is very little, the thought that lingers this morning is, "That thought was a gift for you. Stop sharing everything. Everyone is on different levels and will be taught the thing that are right for them."

 So, my internal teacher reflex was rebuked. The End.

Peers and neighbors

Not much need be said to get you in the frame of mind that considers all of the things that, though intended for good might have nefarious purposes. The first thing to come to my mind is technology. It is amazing that so many advances that have been made just in my lifetime. Ok, so now the break down of good and evil. Things are constantly available that make genealogical impossibilities not only possible but easy. But, those same technological advances have prolifierated pornography.

I was thinking today quite hard about one of my greatest blessings and pet peeves, Utah. It is so marvelous to live where there are so many others who have been taught and think like me. It is a huge, noticeable difference from where I was raised.

In the same breath I hate it here. It is like I get to see that I am just odd. Even though I could be so at peace, instead I find that although I share ideas, I do the same things, but for different reasons. Should that even matter?

It is like people are using the large number of like minds to justifybad behavior instead of sort or reinforce the good. My husband's family calls me an "orthodox" Mormon. Huh? Is there such a thing? Apparently there is.

Think about the parable of the Good Samaritan. We should love our neighbors, right? Well, I see this being a reason to overlook bad because of the good. In a show a "Bad guy" saved people, and it confused. In many things I thought it was black and white, but here if you do good in all other things then you are allowed a few bad things. I have not even mentioned the reason I fit in in some degree is because culturally, they were taught to do things, and did, freeing their will to choose things I do not agree with. The things I did agree with, I fought to make part of myself against peer pressure, but here the pressure is to do the right.

So, I guess anything can be viewed as a positive or a negative. That explains how wars are fought and it applies to each of our internal war.

I loved this episode so far...

It was directed by Amanda Tapping, she must be a mental genius, whatever she touches is brilliant!

The show is continuum season 3 episode 5 or 6, and a character is discussing how our need to be merciful requires that someone be killed. I love that sort of depth of thought, but things thought impossible become possible with enough brain power. Sorta like a computer guru said that there is no reason to need more than 200 MBs to store information.

The thing that really stole my fascination was the comment an advisor of time traveling made about how we like to rely on science and all but ultimately it is always how we feel that determines if a thing is right or wrong.

I really suspected it. This quote suggests I'm not just assuming

The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows and the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”

― Audrey Hepburn

Realization in bloom

The biographical nature of art is my first thought today. Others, because they want to believe in the words or give them a power they chose to believe that they mean something equally provoking to the artist who gave them life. The lead singer for Nickelback once commented on that belief and said that it is only partially biographical for him and definately not in the production, but in repeated performance the song seem to mold his life. I have noticed this truth throughout my life in is the I/O principle. What goes in eventually comes out. I think that is why we are asked to seek out good things if we want a good life.

The art and literature we consume becomes the tint for the glasses through which we see all things.

I suggest this find evidence in how married people or adopted children all take on similarities
And why they say, "You are what you eat."

I just cannot simplify it much, what I learned from a hour long fireside that told the influence media has on us, conciously and subconciously. Everyone can understand it well when we talk about the choice people make to play shooter video games and then express similar violence.

I can do with out many things but I cannot do without Love. This is my second thought.  I considered. My life and what it needed vs. What it wanted to grow. I concluded in perfect agreement of my heart and mind that I could actually do without so many things I have, but I could not thrive without Love.

I have decided after last night, that I need to start a dream journal, a big reason is to try to clarify to myself the things I was thinking through in my sleep, because, frankly interpretting the meaning of waking up with a song, though it influences my thoughts all day and causes me to discover some fascinating things, it is simply not enough to truly understand and appreciate myself.

My dreams are so life like I have a hard time sometimes telling them from reality. But, unlike reality, many significant details are missing. Clearly, I am no dream architech, like on Inception.

Last night, for instance, I was traveling with children and marooned, and sort of picked up by someone. I felt so grateful, but this person wanted to help, but wanted,me to know that they could not do the things they assumed I needed. My burden waa that they know that they were already help enough and did actually give all I needed and I did not actually even want financial assistance and I wanted them to know that, we stopped at a McDonald's and felt responsible for me and my kids, but I woke up. I have no idea where we were or where we were going or who was with me or why.

My last thought was the comment that my ancestors are dependant on me to do their work, and I marvel at this because it has already been done, or maybe something is wrong and I need to find it. Or else it is a chinck in my armor of faith...

So many temples?

I was listening to a general conference session of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints where the building of several smaller temples was announced, and I remember that and at the time I was so happy and excited about all of the possibilities and the accessiblity that I never considered any possible downside, but it explains a lot.
The early saints were leary of building a temple because the persection seemed a result of the first. They said that the second a temple was announced or the cornerstone was laid all hell breaks loose. Just imagine how furious the adversary would be that those pesky Mormons announce several temples, that will dot the globe! Well, just look around. You're welcome.

Interestly, I just watched an episode of warehouse 13 where an artifact made you invincible but killed anyone else present in place, sort of like the guy on Pushing Daisies, if he saved one person then another died, and anyway in this show a guy asks, "Do you think you can play God?" Meaning, sure if you use this artifact to save one life, everyone else will die. Are you sure you want to be responsible for all of that? Isn't that what parents do? They take responsibility for things, and that is why they get to make the choices. And, God is more than just a creator. He is our literal Father in Heaven.

A while ago...

For some reason, this thought has gotten the red flag tonight, so I will oblige and share it.

A woman bore her testimony as a comfort offered to those who start to doubt or waver in their faith. She had prayed whole heartedly for her sister, but it was not until 40 years later that she saw any result of that prayer. After class, I told her that I had been touched by such a personal.story and how it reminds me to remember that God has his own timing, and he is not in the immediate obsession of the world we live in.

Then, as I was leaving she called to me and told me another story where she never doubted, but then the person she prayed for died and she felt like maybe it had been in vain, still she did the temple work for them and felt more strongly and surely than she ever had that this person was grateful. So she told ne not to loose faith even after years or impossibility because God certainly keeps his promises.

What is religion?

The cut and dry answer used to be good enough: a set of beliefs that dictate actions. But, this was no longer good enough to satisfy my ponderful living, as I would poke holes at all the ideas I had accepted as a child. Cue that scripture from "The Mission" when I was a child I thought as a child... But, I put away childish things.

Someone gave the most awesome information if you are ready or looking for it:

When a woman gives birth the child is connected to it's mother by a cord that must be severed. It is tied off in two places then a the cut is made between the two. The fastened sections are called ligatures.

This binding off of the cord shares the same root as the main part of the word religion.

So a religion sort of conveniently becomes the means to define the way we are "tied off" to our diety or sense of being.

For me and others of my faith, our sense of being and diety are closely related, too. Being as our God is our spiritual father. So the way we are tied to him is the religion we profess. Mentioning thus always sort of puts me on a pedestal. I start to feel high and mighty as a daughter of God, and as one I ought never apologize for myself, but be on purpose. It makes me feel less like I need to or even ought to,accept things I know are not correct because I shrink from confrontation and seek to not ever stand out or offend positively or negatively, especially regarding same gender couples. It is just not acceptable and I see it as a fault of mine to try to ride the fence and say hate the sin, but love the sinner. Be accepting of others who believe differently, etc. I just honestly do not think God would be so lenient regarding any issue really, nor could he be.

Alone , but with my thoughts.

I turn to a blog for refuge, nay, I am not cowering to a notion, I am merely alone and need so badly to get these waring words out of my head, This will be the new place where they may battle, and I hardly know which side to back, or which thought will win, so I will present them both here and try to see them as independent. Maybe, if it is "Someone else's Story", my ability to discern between them will be more trustworthy.

The first idea begins with the acknowledgement of the fact that almost too many families have, for various reasons in addition to divorce, child custody cases, suffered loss. But, two natures usually fix everything. 1) even if a woman, for various reasons, feels unable to care for a child, after her body works so hard to create and carry a child a very strong bond is formed. and 2) whomever is designated to nurture the child develops such a bond that the child's best interest somehow superceeds their own concerning the rearing of the child. So, regardless of who gets the joy of raising the child, it will be done with love.

It was that thought which seperated me from my older children. I knew that they would be cared for and properly. This thought just in, don't know if it was supposed to comfort or what, but if I ever had a reason to believe they would not be taught right, I would not have left them and would still be fighting for them, and I know that God would not allow his children to be harmed unless it was for their good.

Recently, I was made aware of a great many people who suffered a similar fate. It is not that I was completely unaware, I knew that divorce was wrong, but so was marriage in so many cases. I knew there were a lot of child custody cases, but figured their misfortunes were simply different and without natural affection, and so it was better that another care for the children, so it would be proper for a child of God.

My opposing thought comes from a popular TV Show Downton Abbey. It is that nothing can possibly compensate for a mother's love, couple this idea with the fact that I believe that the children given to me and it is one of those stewardships that though I feel unworthy at times, I will be exactly what they need.

Now, between the two which one is correct to apply to my situation, for neither seems wrong, yet they contradict.

This is when my heart steps in with a solution, but again, it would only serve it's own purpose. It says take the children and flee. But, I will do no more than consider it. The children ought to be with me true. They ought to be with their father as well. There is no law but earthly ones that bind me to anything or anyone here, it is just because I will it. So, what if I didn't? And that is how this battle ends, a cat's game. Looks like I will be praying a lot on this one.

Interesting choice

I made a curious choice this morning to read the discourses of Brigham Young and not my scriptures, and it occurred to me foremost that this was as much scripture as anything in my posession was. As I was reading those words the most peculiar thought occurred to me, and it was not regarding any word that was spoken at all anyway, but about my choice.

I always preferred his recorded words to any other. I just had a feeling that there was some sort of connection there, though I could not put my finger on it. Years earlier, I read a book where a thing said had bothered me to the point that I needed to pray about it in the temple because I just had accepted everything he said as divine truth or something, but this thing which just felt incorrect, so I needed to rely on that thing we call personal revelation, which last year, in institute, our teacher explained that we ought never simply accept the words of a prophet as the gospel truth, unless they have been authorized to speak as a prophet of God. A lady in my class last week said that the beauty of our religion was that we each are entitled to personal connection to the truth which effects us (personal revelation).

I have recently been trying to hone and better comprehend those ideas that are blessing from a loving father in heaven, and as such, I understood many hard to grasp (for me) things. Though nothing was said on the subject, I peculiarly understood why so many women would want to marry one man.

My final thought I will not share in specifics, but generally, I will say that it is not a thing understood with our minds when we so completely fall in love anyway. And we need to trust that others have a right to personal revelation too.

Errors of man

I am a bit ashamed to admit that a new thing occurred to me. I had actually wondered a great deal about why the BoM prophets were always apologizing for their work. But, this morning The nuerons or whatever fired in a way that a new connection was made.

I was thinking about how like us Lehi was in that he lived a normal life (not overly anything or a trouble maker in fact he respected his religious leaders a great deal, and so he apologized for his record's roughness and plainess - the Jews were not particularly plain, they worked hard to obscure thus uncover truth) all his days were spent in Jerusalem, where he obviously intended to stay and aquired wealth.

But, then as he prayed, God spoke to him directly and his life changed drastically and suddenly. He went and told his friends and neighbors that they needed to repent, to the point where they were offended enough to take his life. Still, he, for some reason, did what he was told.

Now, imagine if you or your husband, out of the blue, decided to leave everything and risk death telling everyone the error of their ways because he had a dream.

Ok, as I was thinking about how lives are unexpectedly changed all of the time, it seems to be quite prevelant in scripture stories to the point where I might even say it is a "type" where men are asked to give up their amassed comforts to follow God (the first commandment). Anyway, as I was thinking on that I realized why he spoke in so much apology for his words. Ah hah! Think of his audience.

Growing up, the understanding and intimidation factor was much lower in those who I met with or addressed, but out here, I see it often, how carefully and with greater preparation a group is addressed. I suspect that he was apologizing for the quality of his unedited and unpolished words in contrast to those of the Jews in Jerusalem. His religious world was very different than the one we live in, plus, the fact the it was all translated by inspiration anyway, which was likely not supposed when the words were chiseled rough hewn.

I am reminded also of another artist who noted that we tend to record that which appeals to us, and the regular diet is shown through the words of Isaiah, and Nephi said as much when he said that he wrote the things that seemed to be of most value to him and often he quoted Isaiah saying it was likened unto them and used for THEIR profit and learning.

What purpose is truly yours?

I give myself too many purposes, I need to focus them down into something more accomplishable.

I know that I existed before, but never like this. I know that I had time to prepare and that preparation was intended to help, and I know that I will exist forever the quality of manner ought to be included in my purpose. Mormonism teaches happiness is found in family life, so I believe any advantage starts there. I was born very strategically.

It was encouraged to record our early morning ramblings, as they may have great worth. It is strange how my place of sleep has become a mini temple to me. And I am drawn to this spot, even when sleep is far away and not at all likely.

This morning as I was laying here contemplating, not at all sleepy, and decide many things, and the best thing to actually do was pray. And, my mind/lips started pouring out the things trapped in my heart left unsaid or unwritten for too long. I am not going to say them here, but instead I will share the peace I took away, that will make me look crazy, like Anna in Frozen when the store keeper says ,"The only one crazy enough to be out in this weather is you."

My focus right now ought to be my children. Heavenly Father has already shown me that he can work incredible miracles when I try to do what I should.

Joseph is an incredible child expected to do incredible things, and I was chosen to give his little body and teach him the things he needs. There is a marvelous thing going forth right now and my link must be strong, and it was never itended that I be so unhappy, but if I do my part, the world will be so blessed, and in turn I can expect the sort of peace I desire. Just look to David and see what can happen if I miss my focus and become selfish instead of trying to remember my part in the bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!

My purpose is to find happiness in the blessings I have, namely, my children.

I suspect my name will be known as "the mother". I want to be the wife, but must be patient. I do think they ought to be one and the same, and everyone plays a different part. I need to focus on mine. I can feel as much love as is possible, and that is my real purpose. It should not be abandoned or substituted, that path was demonstrated by trading a birthright for a mess of pottage. Or as my dad taught me, trading what we need for what we want right now.

2 Things stood out

As I was watching a video this morning two things struck me as significant (maybe the same way the scriptures in James did for Joseph Smith? I know not). They felt important.

1)I am glad my parents joined the church and that my dad can hold the preisthood.

Summed up, it occurred to me that it is a marvelous opportunity, and if someone could have it, and they did not do all they could to have it, they are not a firm foundation. (It was said by a little black boy who honestly saw the blessing available when it was given).

2) who taught you this? (Basically nothing) My Dad.

A mother teaches and lessons stick, opposed to fathers, I do not need someone who tells me I am not good enough at my job. I have never complained about how he does/does not do his job.

And it impressed me how much the kids learn from their father, especially my little boy, and it scares me the lessons being taught there.

One girl summed things in my heart up as a child by saying that one day she wanted a family so that she can teach them the gospel. And THAT is why I needed to date church members and,be equally yoked, or as a friend said, "be on the same page."

David

I was curiously seeking out any information on the king David, then I realized that my scriptures always opened to the exact same place and I had thought a lot about David, and then just figured that I needed new scriptures with a better binding. My mother also told me that had I been a boy I would have been named David. Ok, my first boyfriend in college, who my parents thought I would Marry, another LONG story, was named David. Ok, so I decided, especially in light of our last lesson in Relief Society at church, to read the actual source or Bible stories about the incredibly interesting life of David.