What to do while waiting?

Man, these downloads take too much time. Ok, that was a figure of speech. Time is money and I'd be spending alot per hour if I was charged. in all. it's a good trade.

I was just thinking about how wonderful everyone in my family is and how I really do not belong. Now that everyone, but Lacy who manages a coolness of her own, is married happily, I belong even less. They are all of such high quality, but I'm like not even worthy to be flushed down their toilets, but they acknowledge me? Go figure.

Anyway I was just thinking alot about that while I was waiting for my downloads to finish. Is there anything that I could do to be respectable to them? I just fail at everything. Oooop! I used the Everything word! it is not literally true. I am just pittying myself. It would be impossible to do everything wrong or everything right. But, I'd prefer to do more right than wrong. I've done a bang up job of showing them what not to do. Maybe I deserved to be divorced or hospitalized. Maybe it was the price for being able to be a sibling and daughter of such fine beings as are included in my family.

my most current thought is about differences in people

We talk alot about love and what makes us like another person and I have even been taught that we need to be whom we love or do the things that we love and the one we will love will be doing them, too. But situations caused me to pause to think about what makes people behave differently.

It is at times alluring because of the suprise or what is unknown and thus unexpected. I like the song "Heaven help my Heart" from Chess the musical because it laments the eventual time in every relationship when we loose that mysticism and become known and understood, "Suddenly, I've run out of secrets. Suddenly, I'm not always on his mind." But, the thought that still fills my mind in attempt to understand things like faith and anger is how differently people place the role of religio in their lives. My sister and I are alot alike, and yet, I place religion in the centeer of my life, not out of need initially, but I dare not contemplate the center not holding (c/o Conrad). Whereas, She never centralized the same teachings, thoug she lived them just the same, as she learned more she didn't need to cross-check each thought ith her belief system, in fact, her facts grew to the point where she sorta backwards to me, used them to cross out religion as am unneeded crutch. Some Nice ladies tried to teach me what they believed about a saying in proverbs that if you raise up a hild a certain way he will not leave it. Now, I do not claim to correct a teaching from their good book, and it is something many parents cling to. I will suggest that It is a bit of a catchall, it is wasting your time and wory for you, so you may focus energy elsewhere and not worry about children if your part has been done. I think more can and should be done for those we love... only something different. I watched Law and order wondering how words could be used to persuade a jury to believe something different and was suprised that an argment so easily did that. I think likewise a thing besides just hoping can be done for children.

Next, I have noticed how differently and unexpectedly people react to a fact. It all boils down to what is important. For intance, to me, it is how I feel about something that matters most. For others it is how they think about something. I can really frustrate a reasonable person, and we all know that a reasonable person is better than the "emotional" person, why? that I don't now yet. But, you can destroy my favored things with logic and it doesn't phase me because it still feels right, but what if the unexplainable changed somehow? I would be able to sort of understand and relate to the reasonable person who concluded that their assumptions were wrong. So, after much thought I see a similarity where I first saw a difference. I know that he reason I never found many "like-minded" people doing the same things is because I needed to broaden my view beyond my limited circles. I can see like spirits in many different venues by how they react, not by what they have chosen or have had chosen for them to do.

This exciting fact was revealed by how differently previously considered "like" people reacted to the same thing. This is not a welcome thought to me. I just would not have reacted a given way, but no matter the change when something changes my reaction becomes a measure of who I am. So, unlike others who mourn or cry, I will use the occassion to be glad that I was able to learn such a unique truth.

Joseph's 2nd

Unfortunately it won't be friday the 13th tommorrow, though at least he has a chance, I got a Friday, but it wasn't hardly as cool. I just wanted to record a few thoughts in their freshness for him as he ages. He is so sweet! I hardly did enough for that little guy who is the germ of an awesome man!!!

Today he accidentaly hit me once and said, "sorry." I did not think he was doing his usual niceties like "please and thank you" either. he really meant it. I think it was learned from my other kids, something Nick won't say though.

I was singing his lullaby "I Love to see the temple" and as i was leaving I blew him a kiss and said "I Love You. Night, night!" then, as i turned i tripped. He got out of bed and rushed to his door asking " are you ok?" I explained that I was ok, then he turned to get back in bed and once there blew a kiss at me and said "You. nite, nite." He is so thoughtful! I hope he likes the cake and things I made for him, I wish I could think of a perfect thing to do though. Oh well. I ought to get some sleep before i trip again.

Charity

I believe that one could talk about this forever and still not say enough, It inspires the best in us all. It was the answer to my recent why question.

Recently, I was trying to understasnd how and why a religion so firmly focused on the family was responsible for the destruction of so many of them. It is common that when a man choses his intellect as a guide, the woman's place is to follow, technically, that is what she promised to do, but her devotion to the church is more important to her. Her feelings are stronger where engendered by acts of Charity or in other words The pure love of Christ is so much more attractive than the other loves of their life, mistakingly, they even assume the love of their husband or children is that same love, And we have been taught that it is a man's duty to eh, decieve? uhm, no but to follow the teachings of Christ and by doing so, they become a follower of Christ. This makes them so desirable and impossible to seperate any love that stems from doing good for others from their love for a spouse until it is so ingrained in who they are that they believe they love their spouse with all of their heart. If this is true then, the solution in the scriptures to love your husband and cleave unto none else is extra important. And it would never conflict with Charity, which love is the love that includes all of your heart and mind and being.

In conclusion, The women are doing a better job focusing on Charity which gives them incredible potential that the men don't seem to be getting. I think having children is part of it. Child birth is a unique way that allows a woman to come to a greater understanding of the atonement, which, it's hard to be jealous of something so terrible and painful, physically as well as mentally and emotionally, but it really gives women an unfair advantage, which explains why having the priesthood (power of God) is of utmost importance. Afterall, Adam needed Eve, but God blamed Adam directly for Eve's betrayal. It's okay, it's one of those things that was supposed to be that way. It actually strengthened the bond between the sexes for now they needed eachother in a different way, as if physically wasn't enough.

Won't or Can't

On very significant matters, My debate always comes down to this. On one hand is a possibility that can but won't the other choice is one that won't but can, And I simply cannot decide which would be easiest to live with. I tend to think won't is worse because the will is involved, but when I put mysel in the picture, I know that can't is worse because the potential is not even there. My current choice is "out of the box" I go with none of the above.

Should I explain? I made a list then trew it away, but now I'm starting to see that I ought to trust myself because I was more inspired than I thought. In my list I disgarded things like RM because it didn't qualify Brandall. Then on my list was such things as height and divorce, and being a southerner. All of which totally disqualify Brandall I decided for various reasons that those things didn't matter.

I have learned since that I can rationalize anything to make it seem reasonable or not, but ultimately it isn't about reason. A good friend of mine said "Our heat has reasons of which our minds know nothing of." And then Matt told me about a trial his sister was going through and she ultimately yielded to her heart. But, to me, the point of a list is so that I will make a wise choice before it becomes up to my heart to explain.

So, I'm trying to decide what I need forever and what can be stricken from my list. I tend to think following my heart led me to Brandall which was a huge mistake! Oh grrrrr! I was happy and getting everything I needed, soI thought, but Nick hasn't shown any desire to try to get anything for us. He doesn't seem to value me at all nor want to secure me as his forever, but I do not have a doubt that is most important to me, being needed, and wanted. I would like to get that from My husband, but forever is too long to deal with someone who doesn't desire you. Ok, when I say desire, I do not mean the same word as love, ok, Joseph is screaming, I need to cut this short for now...

oh, well he stopped. but, I call sense that Nick expects me to come takecare of things.

I get it!

I was rejected by man, not by God. I could say so much, but what was central to my life was that I had contrary commandments to keep. I needed to love my husband, but I knew that I had a limited time and that I simply must go have children, My intention was to love Brandall forever and raise children together, but He had his agency and that needed to be respected. So, I went out here and was willing to give up my life for the possibility of raising some children which was necessary and foremost in everything I taught. I will not pretend to be so divinly guided, I was desperate for something that I would do things that I considered wrong to be able to do this.

But, I have now decided that I am exactly where I ought to be, and it is both lack of faith and selfishness in my desires to be sealed to someone forever. Forever is very long I'll find time to chase my own dreams when my duty to those kids is less important. I will live forever, so, it is not wrong to pray for the desire to be with someone forever. It is putting my desire above my children in importance that is troublesome.

The gradual choice

I wonder if i'm ever going to have time to waste.

I am quite certain of things and I feel total peace, no appetite remains of any kind, though, I'm a bit thirsty.

I will be busy here for quite a while, but a time will come when I must face my own agency and make my choices regarding eternity, the choice might be a process though, that might be gradually made as I make millions of little choices, till one day, I say, I know exactly what I'll be doing in eternity.

IF that's a big word. I like sure things.

my wish list

Ok, first I'm going to get a duo stroller for the babies, but It's really for me. I need Jelly to make Sandwiches for Nick and Diapers and wipes (can never have too many) I need some make-up. Mybe some hair dye, maybe. I'm going to get a cable to conect my keyboard up to my computer to use drums and such. I want to get Lena uDraw for the wii.I'm going to do something about my teeth, and Nick wants me to get a new phone that works, but I told him, I only need it because I had it. I'd honestly like to get a tablet or laptop. I'll see. I suppose I ought to get a better camera or atleast a laptop with webcam. lol. Just thought of a silly video of a mom(an old non-technical lady) wanting a laptop with a webcam.

There other than a new house or car I got nothing. I was explaining to Nick that I just don't feel very needy. I had to think quite hard to think of this stuff. It didn't come to me naturally. Or maybe I'd prefer getting my Christmas shopping done.

a blog, a blog? I already have one

Of all the venues, though not much growth is achieved in finding what natually suits you. I have been told one too many times that I ought to start a blog with all of my rants. Maybe I will. I am ready for a big change.

Here I can use as many words as I like and it is refreshing! And I can say whatever I want and no one will ever see it. unlike twitter or facebook, which suited me fine when my phone worked well. You really can't beat catching up on the world in the tub.

Allusions

I had been thinking overtime about what I like about things, or what makes me like something. I really like stories. I like music, too but the stories in music don't have to use words and I still love them. I heard a music therapist say that we make associations (lol) with our senses, Music, in this case, That when solidly in our minds recall several other feelings! I was like "Yeah! That's it!". That reasoning explains why When I hear certain songs it almost transports me back in time, all of the other stronger parts of my mind also are exercised in recalling their associated "memories" when a song is heard.And so I don't like to rwatch entire movies. I like to recapture that snipet that recalls my strong recollection. I use videos like a journal. It is not a new idea or anything. People of my generation have always used the power of art to communicate, by using pictures or jewelry to say their words for them, or creating MixTapes that say what we want to, but this is a "professional" getting paid to do it for us.

But, I had thought that I figured "classics" out. they were just true expressions traped out of situation in a way that they would endure people or situations. But, as I was listening to a new song It brought to my mind all kinds of things that were not memories, but brilliant, in everyway. I wondered if the creater of the song even knew of all of the allusions. It all seemed too perfectly suited. I thought, hmm... Maybe a similar feeling evoked them that is the reason for the similarities. Then, it struck me how much I loved allusions and always have.

My favorite books(outside of Choose your own Adventures) were all Mysteries. I was a huge "Sherlock Holmes" and Agatha Christie fan. I decided this was because I like to solve things. To me my most loved art is that which requires repeated experience to understand or figure out. I still have not figured out the whole (nor probably ever will) of "Inception". I love the intelligence of so many of these. I expect there are associations that I am not even aware of yet, that as my perspective matures my understanding will.

I guess this blog was more about mystery than allusion. I merely wanted to express my appreciation of allusion, especially when it was intended and understood, kind of like deduction or extrapolation.

hey, you...

yes, you! If you are reading this, then I have a treat for you. I'd say it myself, but this is more compact and profound:

"All over the world, Latter-day saint women feel the same way about Relief Society, 'Way down deep.' They have benefitted from its service, and they know it is now their turn to serve with charity and faith. They give this service in different capacities-- as daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, visiting teachers, Relief Society leaders, neighbors and friends. Some of their service comes in reponse to assignments from Church leaders, and some of their service comes in reponse to quiet promptings from the Holy Ghost. Seeing that they are 'compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses,' they are ready to 'run with patience that race that is set before them."

"I believe when we determine within our hearts that by and with the blessings of God, our Heavenly Father we will accomplish that labor; but when we lay down, when we become discouraged, when we look at the top of the mountain and say it is impossible to climb to the summit, while we never make an effort it will never be accomplished." -Heber J. Grant

wireless?

I remember at my train the trainer class in San Diego everyone was taking in the networking instruction part about how everything was going wireless in the future. I thought of myself as insightful, but I was clearly wrong in thinking it would never happen. But, as an analogy, I think my life needs to go wireless. It's worse that all of those cords behind the desk. Which we refer to as Spagetti.

I started out with such grand intentions and expectations. Even, everyone I knew said that I would do great things, see how messed up this is? I'm speaking in past tense as if it's too late.

Really, it is. I don't know which bridge I unwittingly burned that got me so stuck, but I am. Now, they say necessity is the mother of invention, so maybe I just need to work harder to mcguyver my way out( I believe that is the politically correct way to say you nigger rigged, but face it, I'm a red neck).

I still believe in a way of life that I fully intended to live. But, as I read about how awesome life can be I see that I messed it up, alot. I have tried to pretend everything is fine, but I'm only lying to myself and God. Things are not fine, and I really want to believe they can be. How could this happen to me? No, stop it. I am not the victim of this story, but the author.

I'll write more later. I have other pressing needs.

who do you love?

when I was dating Robert Woodruff and told everyone that I infact planned to marry him. A sister I hardly knew pulled me aside. She told me this very important story...

ouch.

I don't know the pain is or what caused it, but I can hardly move.

Also, today is the day I confront my husband about many things I have kept inside.

Joseph was in such a great mood all day, it's

Review

Review of Health Web Site

As I am sure this pertains to many of you, I think you will find this link extremely valuable, though unlike many of my other “self-conscious” posts might be of use, I know several of you will really appreciate this. Here is a link to the site itself: natural health forum.

Here starts my review: the site is extremely intuitive and has many browsable discussions about health related issues that are of interest to all, as they are far reaching in scope. It also has a link to search posts if you have a particular keyword in mind. This is copied directly from the byline “NatMedTalk is a forum for all those interested in all aspects of health and illness, there are lots of natural and alternative ways of dealing with health problems.” and just so that I am not just shouting praises, I did find one troubling aspect of this site, you must join the forum in order to post. I agree this is petty, but if you do not like to fill out forms or give contact information but want to talk to someone with similar concerns in hope of finding natural success it is a teensy bit intimidating.