continued...

After contemplation and appropriate time to do so I find that the closer I draw to God the farther I am from Nick. By default, I gravitate to what I think is Godly. What I mean by that is that whenever I experience a terrible trial, whether by my own doing or not, I turn to pray or my scriptures to cope. Previously, I was married to a wonderful man by any standards, but I kept feeling like I was needed to do something. I spoke of it,and then pushed such an inclination away.  Because, any logical reasoning suggested that it was improper for me to not be happy in my current situation. Then my choices were taken from me and I realized what I had done and I vowed never to have my agency taken from me again. Seriously, my illness was of such that I was rendered nearly incapable of doing anything.

I got one choice and despite feeling like it was not a very good choice, I took it. well, there are many positives that result from any choice and it is in seeing the positive that I find solace, but the expense is that I become numb and blind to the bad, and only this morning have I realized that I have lost my agency. It terrifies me. I will rectify that at any cost.

I had decided that my family was first and foremost. Of course it would be difficult, but worth it. But, despite my choice to strip back what had fallen apart and do over or salvage what was good, nothing happened. I cannot communicate with my husband and beyond that I have absolutely NO trust or confidence in  him to make good choices or support me in good choices. despite what good I have found, there is no love. absolutely none. I am in no way ready to make another choice, but I do trust what the Lord promises that I will be loved. I believed that I was loved and just needed to overcome whatever obstacle was keeping me from communicating with my husband.

I remember hearing someone talk about being so lonely and needing someone to speak to about simple things like their day, but I think it is far worse to be married and still completely lonely. I have marveled at how many times and things my husband has done to show me how less than anything I matter to him. I am 100% sure that my welfare is of no concern to him. He has  constantly removed all doubt on that account. Again, I was of the mindset that I must surely be the one at fault, but as I prayed this morning was assured that this was not the case.

John 21:16-19 ¹⁶He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, LORD; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁷He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, LORD, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁸Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. ¹⁹This spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when he had spoken this, he saith unto him, Follow me.