what do you want (cont.)

I tried and tried during my desire to be in and thus loved to rekindle why I was married in the first place, in hopes of resuming where intended to go with the purpose that I must have intended, but as I realized it, I kept hoping that wasn't the only thing, and then I would get swept up in family because that is ultimately why I am here. I need my children and love them, and all of my progenitors.

That is what makes me even more upset though. I feel it is the best thing to teach about mortal life is to love their father through countless little ways that they can emulate and feel good anout the world, instead, I fear I fail them. What good is it to have a home and food if you do not have and teach love?

I would hope that the children can see the difference between feigned affection and real love, So what would I want most for my children?  all I know is that to do anything for them, I must be alive. what I ultimately want is to habe that part back that I had with Brandall.I recall one time I was at my sister's house and I commented that I thought that Matthew McConaghey (sp?) looked like Brandall. She said, " You think everyone looks like Brandall." It was then that I realized that I compared every man in the world tohi and loved him so much that I honestly hadn't even thought that another man dared exsist. Finally! He was EVERYTHING! but. that alone is not enough. I learned through that chance that hapiness did not depend on being in love. I am back tomy Adam and Eve paradox. what am I supposed to choose? that is what I do want, may every test give thesane result, I WANT what I am supposed to want. I still do not know what that is, though.