My choice is... No choice

Stupor has finally left me.

Previously, I had supposed not knowing what to do meant the thing was not worth thinking about and whatever I had supposed was surely a waste of thought and it should be abandoned.

But, I keep coming back to a certain choice I had been pretty certain was wrong and felt relief at realizing it had merely been a stumbling block intended to waste my time. But, here I am again. Like Jonah or maybe more like Abraham who was told that his elderly barren wife would have a child.

The solutions I prayed about did not feel acceptable to me so, I decided to pull a Brigham Young, as portrayed in the movie "Mountain of the Lord". When faced with the hard task of facing the saints with heart breaking information refused to budge until he knew what to do. Or, like Nephi and his brothers when asked to get the Brass plates from Laban. Laban refused to give them the plates. I feel like I have reached a point where I acknowledge that none of my good choice worked. Obviously, there must be one that does work and God knows what it is. My choice is to stop trying to solve things on my own but instead decide not to do anything. If God wants things done he will surely make a way. I often thought about poor teenaged Mary who had a very difficult choice and no one seemed to be on her side. But, God was totally able to fix everything for her, like give Joseph a vision of his own so that even if he disbelieved her initially he knew on his own the will of God.

That is a trouble of giving people a choice. My husband does not need to choose correctly, no matter how much I pray and hope for him. "Oh no she didn't." I just thought that maybe I hadn't forgiven 70 times 7 times yet. And the spirit says, "don't try to turn scriptures on me. Remember when I told Nephi to slay Laban but to not kill is a commandment."

Ok. There are times and ways I cannot begin to understand. I merely want to obey the ones I do understand.

Another thing that weighs on my mind is how often I sin by omission. Sometimes hearing myself lie and it was never intended but it is done simply to avoid confrontation which would harm the thoughts of the children or the "spirit" of the home. And the children are considered at all times and costs
For example, one time I was trying to put Mary back in her bed in the dark to avoid turning it on, although I needed to see for my balance. Subsequently, I fell and manuveured in such a way to protect her. She did not even wake up; however, I did severe damage to my back which caused months of pain... Looking back, ahhh heck I would do the same thing!