I got it

I figured out by shutting down and rebooting, if you will. It became clear to me the thing I had questioned with no solution for years: "Why did I cling to things when everyone I esteemed intellectually thought otherwise?"

It has to do with what you surround yourself with once you have a choice.

Children are likewise taught that taking drugs is bad. They avoid taking drugs because that is something the make a choice to do. Subsequently, they never experience the gradually diminishing ability to make choices.

I do not remember the song or interview specifically, but somewhere it was said by Chad Kroeger/Nickelback that a person was hardly recognizable due to their dependance on a substance. To me that is like to the sort of people/media we surround ourselves with. When people I admire are surrounded by the same things I am they behave in a way I admire and try to emulate. Further, if I were to be under the same environmental pressures I would change my views, but our worlds and thus influences are so different by choice. In reality, those are not individuals I actually admire because when they made their choice, their choice was not one that lead to independence. In my view they have given up freedom for captivity of thought. I only saw this becauase I stepped back and started over. Good in good out...

Now, what the heck did I just say? I said that through shutting down the outside world and then carefully allowing good things alone into my mind,  I can see why I think differently than others. It is because I fill my mind with different things. If I filled my mind with similar things, I would likely share their points of view, but what they think is not a strength in thinking just a difference. And it is a thing to be mindful of that I think differently than others I once greatly admired. But, I chose differently when I had a similar choice.

It is only an impression that remains, but there was a cross-road in my life where I had to decide to not heed a major force and instead cling to what I knew that I loved. I think others may find happiness different places and would not feel a sense of fufillment without seeking for their "place in this world". I do not belittle that but admire it as much as I find great peace in knowing I am where I belong.

I often think "I wonder if others are happy where they are or if they wish they were where I am." (a subconscious result of years of listening to. Darker Side of Blue).

I hope hope hope that someone would rescue me if ever I followed the wrong lead, but I have come to achieve a peace of mind regarding what I believe to be true is true as, far as I am concerned. I am not looking anymore. I was only looking because if others believed something else was true why didn't I? And I know why now. And so the best that I can do it toss a rope ladder down into the well and trust that if Timmy wants to be rescued he will climb up otherwise I know I tried to help but my help was not even wanted.