Part 3

Ok, now it is time to address my most current manifestation of the same lesson. So, I ran away to Utah and got married because all I absolutely, undeniably knew was that I was Christian and it seemed like the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints was literally that. My doubt was that I merely happened to be born into a gospel centered family. But, really, it did not just happen. I had several pieces of evidence that things worked out providencially.

One time, at a Youth Conference a mock life was arranged and I was the very first to figure everything outdespite influencial leaders attempts to steer us in another more attractive direction. Classes were taken and checked off in a particular order. A stamp needed to be on your card to prove that you were ready for that particular lesson ( like temple reccommends ). I just happened to choose the first lesson first! If I had been turned away on my first few attempts, then I would likely have been disillusioned and given up. The real eye opener was how I stole another girl's boyfriend because I needed to be "sealed" to progress. I ended up by myself in the end because it was not real and at a meeting he went back to be with his girlfriend in outter darkness. In the mock life, after death, I was shocked at how few people were in the Celestial Kingdom when so many youth were at the conference. I did not consider myself particularly smart either. But, I was the first person there and I was alone for quite a long time.

So, my purpose in comming to Utah was to finish (or perfect) my vision of a happy family. A little illness would not deter that! Now I am remarried with two more children and working teaching many many young children helping prepare them for the return of Jesus Christ! Things are good! Very very good, and that is what bothers me.

I keep on thinking, even praying, about the matter. My husband is a very good man and if I only tried I would appreciate him so much. He is trying so hard. Isn't that enough? It isn't for me. Even if he was everything he promised to be, I have a warning in my heart not to be decieved. Comfort was never the goal or the opposite, so what am I doing? I am living someone else's dream, and I might even appreciate aspects of it, but I might be missing the mark.

Truth gets confused the more mixed in with false. Think wheat and tares...

If I wanted to mess up myself, I would try to immitate a sense of peace and accomplishment. That is precisely why I am unhappy with finding a happily ever after. As a Sunday School teacher asked us once, "what end are we enduring for?" I thought there was no end so something is amiss.