Identity

EI am easier to understand through the use of mathmatical terms. I am an identity. In math we understand two identities easily. 0 is the additive identity and 1 is the multiplicative identity. I teach my children math this way. I ask them things like 0 plus a pile of leaves is what? Or a bunch of grapes times one equals? And pause for them to shout out the answer. This way they did algebra equations as they were teething.

I realized this is how I am and have always been. I was always better when I surrounded myself with better peers. I assume caracteristics of those I admire.  I just assumed it was the way others just were. Or that seeing the potential encouraged me to try. Then in college we studied it as one of the romantic era's themes. For instance, a bird in a cage never escapes because they cannot imagine anything greater than what they have.

But, I was feeling so stuck in a rut and not happy at all with what I am, but no real aim or dream or better put, no purpose. Then I realized why I always end up turning to outerspace and ailens. I need a new pattern, or something awe-inspiring to be working towards. I get upset because those around me aren't becoming what I wanted to become, and a good friend explained the failure I percieve in others is not a failure but just a miscalculation on my part. Because, I personally aspire for greater things than them they only encourage as long as they are progressing, and that right there is a fatal step in finding a true companion. Where I look at what they can be, one ought to be looking at what they are.

For example, if one guy knows so much more is possible, but has not done anything towards that end, it is foolish to allogn ones self with that potential ignoring on the other had one with less potential but definite acts or fruit to show for what he has believed.

I thought I underdstood this perfectly well, and felt full to blame for not changing to fit the piece that fits. That is when I realized that it is not that easy. I already am formed and need to find where I fit not mold myself to fit where I am, and it is because I pondered my own identity I realized that I am sort of a changling. I am different things to everyone, I am almost always the submissive gene always allowing others to be expressed, but then never being content with what was expressed. Maybe I ought to stop settling for things only slightly better than myself. It is like buying shoes for my kids! You know they are going to grow alot in a few month's time so you buy shoes much larger than their foot instead of one the correct size. What I have done is buy only slightly larger, and then get angry at my inability to make a growing foot stop growing to fit the shoe I already bought. Isn't  it so much clearer now in a metaphorical hindsight what the mistake was.

Ok, time to go...