Trying not to love you

Alright, that was a blatent plagerism. I want to reiterate that idea and call it mine.

Super quick, I hate it when I have a crush on someone , but then realize they have been ruined, by being well known. But, the irony is, I wouldn't even know of them unless they were in the spotlight, or would I? (Dramatic music)

Leaders of men

Ha ha, I wasn't even thinking about the song by Nickelback, I was trying to think of what I would call a subset of men which included royalty and ecclesiastical leaders.

Might be my shortest thought. I fear acknowledgement the way most fear public speaking, only I do not know how you overcome that sense of responsibility. Mormon leaders seem less powerful than, say, a king. But more lives hung on the balance by means of consequence of a choice a Mormon leader makes opposed to one made by a Ruler of the nation.

Plus, I think of how Jesus Christ asked what was of more consequence, to heal a physical infirmity or cleanse a sin.

not yet

Every child has a healthy degree of entitlement, mind you, this is self-granted, and not to be confused with expecting that they are owed everything. My children, for instance, are almost constantly referring to their spouses or a time when they are adults. We all have faith in that. We believe that we will grow up.

As a child to teen, I was told over and over again how improved I would be when I grew up. I believed that entirely,but it has still never happened, so was the seed bad? Nothing ever grew, or if it did, I missed it. I used to go find a piano at the social gatherings where I was expected to find a companion. I would accompany myself and sing a pitiful, self-loathing song about a seed that never grew, it asks, "am I less of a failure down here, then up there." I had no doubt that if I shook off my pity and joined the crowd I would find that I was appreciated, but that was not what I wanted. I waited too long, and then realized that I actually needed to do something if I ever expected anything to happen to me.

Years fast forward, and they literally do go fast. When I was younger I despised mothers who acted like kids. Then as a mother, myself, it was not acting, I actually felt like I was still young. Even now, I ought to be preparing for an afterlife, but instead I absorb myself in petty things.

I was upset because I never grew up. I am still sort of waiting, and I echo my daughter, yeah, my husband will do this and that, too, cause he loves me. um, most everything I have had to do for myself. Years of waiting for the time when I am grown up and am the one in charge is nearly ending. A new generation is taking over, but I never got a chance to be the one in charge or if I did, I was not aware.

Very often, things do transpire, but I never give them attention. I noticed it most when others commented how brave I had been. Brave? more like oblivious. I never realized what I was doing, which was part of my success. My result is completely different because my intent was completely different, and I had not noticed. Any time "what was" clashed with "what I thought was", I cry that I was misunderstood. But, could it be that *I* misunderstood?

I had an entirely different notion of what a couple who forms an eternal unit is. I guess it is a sort of white picket fence life, and that is what I felt entitled to. I see it all around me. But, where is mine? I almost had it, it was progressing nicely until all of a sudden everything crashed down and I had to rebuild. I am extremely dissatisfied with what has subsequently transpired. but, how do I accomplish what I intended? I read and studied about it, and I feel confident in knowing that my potential is still unrealized by me, but it will be given an opportunity, just not yet.

"When will I ever grow?"

Identity

EI am easier to understand through the use of mathmatical terms. I am an identity. In math we understand two identities easily. 0 is the additive identity and 1 is the multiplicative identity. I teach my children math this way. I ask them things like 0 plus a pile of leaves is what? Or a bunch of grapes times one equals? And pause for them to shout out the answer. This way they did algebra equations as they were teething.

I realized this is how I am and have always been. I was always better when I surrounded myself with better peers. I assume caracteristics of those I admire.  I just assumed it was the way others just were. Or that seeing the potential encouraged me to try. Then in college we studied it as one of the romantic era's themes. For instance, a bird in a cage never escapes because they cannot imagine anything greater than what they have.

But, I was feeling so stuck in a rut and not happy at all with what I am, but no real aim or dream or better put, no purpose. Then I realized why I always end up turning to outerspace and ailens. I need a new pattern, or something awe-inspiring to be working towards. I get upset because those around me aren't becoming what I wanted to become, and a good friend explained the failure I percieve in others is not a failure but just a miscalculation on my part. Because, I personally aspire for greater things than them they only encourage as long as they are progressing, and that right there is a fatal step in finding a true companion. Where I look at what they can be, one ought to be looking at what they are.

For example, if one guy knows so much more is possible, but has not done anything towards that end, it is foolish to allogn ones self with that potential ignoring on the other had one with less potential but definite acts or fruit to show for what he has believed.

I thought I underdstood this perfectly well, and felt full to blame for not changing to fit the piece that fits. That is when I realized that it is not that easy. I already am formed and need to find where I fit not mold myself to fit where I am, and it is because I pondered my own identity I realized that I am sort of a changling. I am different things to everyone, I am almost always the submissive gene always allowing others to be expressed, but then never being content with what was expressed. Maybe I ought to stop settling for things only slightly better than myself. It is like buying shoes for my kids! You know they are going to grow alot in a few month's time so you buy shoes much larger than their foot instead of one the correct size. What I have done is buy only slightly larger, and then get angry at my inability to make a growing foot stop growing to fit the shoe I already bought. Isn't  it so much clearer now in a metaphorical hindsight what the mistake was.

Ok, time to go...