Why?

Ok, I'll start out by stating that I am not the one with all of the answers only some but all of them, for the right questions, for the right person. For instance, who is the right person? Easy. The one who asks the right questions and finds all of their answers in my little careless ramblings.

I am not obsessive about weight per se but I just want to be as I was. At each age we are building towards something, and I mourn that my wall was kicked down. In class we read about Ericson's theory and it didn't impress most including my teacher, but it stuck with me for some reason. He [ericson] said that everyone does certain things at certain ages (Developmental stages) and we cannot miss them, or they will be revisited until we do them right. so maybe I missed something important and am reliving my life in attempt to pick it back up. Conceivable.

There are people who speak in words that penetrate my core being and their thoughts become adopted. so I learn without having to experience, but that was not my intended point. alot of the time we abandon our original points though as directed to teach via 'The hand of providence' the unseen force that compelled advancement like Columbus's' voyage to Asia via the New world. I guess that is a perfect example of a great and fortunate failure. Anyway jumping back, I am in love with Brigham Young, C.S. Lewis, Blaise Pascal, oh too many people to name. Yes. the feeling is love. Not anything to do with what they look like, but their verbal expression holds something kindred to me and I enjoy immersing myself in their thoughts.

All my life I hoped to find such a person alive and kicking. But I pretty much gave up that hope after a failed marriage. I still love so many things that I share in common with others, but my "Cosmic destiny" is all tied up in being raised on true Mormon Principles. I am scared of moving to Utah, though I must, I'm scared because I found last time that people are people and just because the majority are "Mormon" doesn't make them good people. I know that I ought to get married to care for my children. They deserve to be raised in a home with a mom and dad, its pretty basic.

Sure *I* am important, but others are more important. I had the plan to go to Utah and remarry. but now I get worried because I am not in Love. I suspect my kids will discern it, unless I fall in love, but as I get better, I gain more of myself back. I gain alot from doing my Yoga each day. It makes me think that If I get married before I'm well. I will not be content when I "Come to my senses" and Get well.

As I get better I realize more and more that I am most fortunate to have gotten away from Brandall, though I love him, he doesn't love me. Love must be two-sided. I gave up all consideration for myself and ended up in this awful condition, or maybe my failure is luck in disguise. or this is getting too long the average eyes. later.