Alone , but with my thoughts.

I turn to a blog for refuge, nay, I am not cowering to a notion, I am merely alone and need so badly to get these waring words out of my head, This will be the new place where they may battle, and I hardly know which side to back, or which thought will win, so I will present them both here and try to see them as independent. Maybe, if it is "Someone else's Story", my ability to discern between them will be more trustworthy.

The first idea begins with the acknowledgement of the fact that almost too many families have, for various reasons in addition to divorce, child custody cases, suffered loss. But, two natures usually fix everything. 1) even if a woman, for various reasons, feels unable to care for a child, after her body works so hard to create and carry a child a very strong bond is formed. and 2) whomever is designated to nurture the child develops such a bond that the child's best interest somehow superceeds their own concerning the rearing of the child. So, regardless of who gets the joy of raising the child, it will be done with love.

It was that thought which seperated me from my older children. I knew that they would be cared for and properly. This thought just in, don't know if it was supposed to comfort or what, but if I ever had a reason to believe they would not be taught right, I would not have left them and would still be fighting for them, and I know that God would not allow his children to be harmed unless it was for their good.

Recently, I was made aware of a great many people who suffered a similar fate. It is not that I was completely unaware, I knew that divorce was wrong, but so was marriage in so many cases. I knew there were a lot of child custody cases, but figured their misfortunes were simply different and without natural affection, and so it was better that another care for the children, so it would be proper for a child of God.

My opposing thought comes from a popular TV Show Downton Abbey. It is that nothing can possibly compensate for a mother's love, couple this idea with the fact that I believe that the children given to me and it is one of those stewardships that though I feel unworthy at times, I will be exactly what they need.

Now, between the two which one is correct to apply to my situation, for neither seems wrong, yet they contradict.

This is when my heart steps in with a solution, but again, it would only serve it's own purpose. It says take the children and flee. But, I will do no more than consider it. The children ought to be with me true. They ought to be with their father as well. There is no law but earthly ones that bind me to anything or anyone here, it is just because I will it. So, what if I didn't? And that is how this battle ends, a cat's game. Looks like I will be praying a lot on this one.

Interesting choice

I made a curious choice this morning to read the discourses of Brigham Young and not my scriptures, and it occurred to me foremost that this was as much scripture as anything in my posession was. As I was reading those words the most peculiar thought occurred to me, and it was not regarding any word that was spoken at all anyway, but about my choice.

I always preferred his recorded words to any other. I just had a feeling that there was some sort of connection there, though I could not put my finger on it. Years earlier, I read a book where a thing said had bothered me to the point that I needed to pray about it in the temple because I just had accepted everything he said as divine truth or something, but this thing which just felt incorrect, so I needed to rely on that thing we call personal revelation, which last year, in institute, our teacher explained that we ought never simply accept the words of a prophet as the gospel truth, unless they have been authorized to speak as a prophet of God. A lady in my class last week said that the beauty of our religion was that we each are entitled to personal connection to the truth which effects us (personal revelation).

I have recently been trying to hone and better comprehend those ideas that are blessing from a loving father in heaven, and as such, I understood many hard to grasp (for me) things. Though nothing was said on the subject, I peculiarly understood why so many women would want to marry one man.

My final thought I will not share in specifics, but generally, I will say that it is not a thing understood with our minds when we so completely fall in love anyway. And we need to trust that others have a right to personal revelation too.

Errors of man

I am a bit ashamed to admit that a new thing occurred to me. I had actually wondered a great deal about why the BoM prophets were always apologizing for their work. But, this morning The nuerons or whatever fired in a way that a new connection was made.

I was thinking about how like us Lehi was in that he lived a normal life (not overly anything or a trouble maker in fact he respected his religious leaders a great deal, and so he apologized for his record's roughness and plainess - the Jews were not particularly plain, they worked hard to obscure thus uncover truth) all his days were spent in Jerusalem, where he obviously intended to stay and aquired wealth.

But, then as he prayed, God spoke to him directly and his life changed drastically and suddenly. He went and told his friends and neighbors that they needed to repent, to the point where they were offended enough to take his life. Still, he, for some reason, did what he was told.

Now, imagine if you or your husband, out of the blue, decided to leave everything and risk death telling everyone the error of their ways because he had a dream.

Ok, as I was thinking about how lives are unexpectedly changed all of the time, it seems to be quite prevelant in scripture stories to the point where I might even say it is a "type" where men are asked to give up their amassed comforts to follow God (the first commandment). Anyway, as I was thinking on that I realized why he spoke in so much apology for his words. Ah hah! Think of his audience.

Growing up, the understanding and intimidation factor was much lower in those who I met with or addressed, but out here, I see it often, how carefully and with greater preparation a group is addressed. I suspect that he was apologizing for the quality of his unedited and unpolished words in contrast to those of the Jews in Jerusalem. His religious world was very different than the one we live in, plus, the fact the it was all translated by inspiration anyway, which was likely not supposed when the words were chiseled rough hewn.

I am reminded also of another artist who noted that we tend to record that which appeals to us, and the regular diet is shown through the words of Isaiah, and Nephi said as much when he said that he wrote the things that seemed to be of most value to him and often he quoted Isaiah saying it was likened unto them and used for THEIR profit and learning.

What purpose is truly yours?

I give myself too many purposes, I need to focus them down into something more accomplishable.

I know that I existed before, but never like this. I know that I had time to prepare and that preparation was intended to help, and I know that I will exist forever the quality of manner ought to be included in my purpose. Mormonism teaches happiness is found in family life, so I believe any advantage starts there. I was born very strategically.

It was encouraged to record our early morning ramblings, as they may have great worth. It is strange how my place of sleep has become a mini temple to me. And I am drawn to this spot, even when sleep is far away and not at all likely.

This morning as I was laying here contemplating, not at all sleepy, and decide many things, and the best thing to actually do was pray. And, my mind/lips started pouring out the things trapped in my heart left unsaid or unwritten for too long. I am not going to say them here, but instead I will share the peace I took away, that will make me look crazy, like Anna in Frozen when the store keeper says ,"The only one crazy enough to be out in this weather is you."

My focus right now ought to be my children. Heavenly Father has already shown me that he can work incredible miracles when I try to do what I should.

Joseph is an incredible child expected to do incredible things, and I was chosen to give his little body and teach him the things he needs. There is a marvelous thing going forth right now and my link must be strong, and it was never itended that I be so unhappy, but if I do my part, the world will be so blessed, and in turn I can expect the sort of peace I desire. Just look to David and see what can happen if I miss my focus and become selfish instead of trying to remember my part in the bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!

My purpose is to find happiness in the blessings I have, namely, my children.

I suspect my name will be known as "the mother". I want to be the wife, but must be patient. I do think they ought to be one and the same, and everyone plays a different part. I need to focus on mine. I can feel as much love as is possible, and that is my real purpose. It should not be abandoned or substituted, that path was demonstrated by trading a birthright for a mess of pottage. Or as my dad taught me, trading what we need for what we want right now.

2 Things stood out

As I was watching a video this morning two things struck me as significant (maybe the same way the scriptures in James did for Joseph Smith? I know not). They felt important.

1)I am glad my parents joined the church and that my dad can hold the preisthood.

Summed up, it occurred to me that it is a marvelous opportunity, and if someone could have it, and they did not do all they could to have it, they are not a firm foundation. (It was said by a little black boy who honestly saw the blessing available when it was given).

2) who taught you this? (Basically nothing) My Dad.

A mother teaches and lessons stick, opposed to fathers, I do not need someone who tells me I am not good enough at my job. I have never complained about how he does/does not do his job.

And it impressed me how much the kids learn from their father, especially my little boy, and it scares me the lessons being taught there.

One girl summed things in my heart up as a child by saying that one day she wanted a family so that she can teach them the gospel. And THAT is why I needed to date church members and,be equally yoked, or as a friend said, "be on the same page."

David

I was curiously seeking out any information on the king David, then I realized that my scriptures always opened to the exact same place and I had thought a lot about David, and then just figured that I needed new scriptures with a better binding. My mother also told me that had I been a boy I would have been named David. Ok, my first boyfriend in college, who my parents thought I would Marry, another LONG story, was named David. Ok, so I decided, especially in light of our last lesson in Relief Society at church, to read the actual source or Bible stories about the incredibly interesting life of David.