7th day

Hear me out, if you do not read to conclusion the wrong conclusion may be formed. I am not anti-religion, as I am not anti-school. but, if the pandemic's effects have taught me anything it is that spirituality is not defined by an organization.

The main reason I conclude this is because I see a strong relationship with the struggle of Joseph Smith to find the truth when everyone interprets it differently, to the new testament where Jesus was seen as heretical and was forced to redefine worship from the way it was being practiced, Even Moses or Abraham even organized people to escape a false teaching, and because people are social, it was used as a reinforcement to teachings to gather like-minds. This is a preparation for a Zion.

being at home with my family, I realized that I was being forced to be...eh, forced is much to strong of a word, maybe encouraged to be organized in a familial group to foster love, devotion, etc. being at home has forced us to pray more for truth, because frankly, I do not trust the internet.  

I did find myself looking to the internet sort of as social reinforcement, like I was accustomed to. for Scriptures and ideas in general one of the most significant being which day is the sabbath and where is it taught that we only meet once a week? well, curiosity got a hold of me and I wondered what "church" was like for Jesus. So, I looked up what happens and when in synagogues, thinking I would then understand how Catholics came to their ritualistic meeting. I was most riveted by the observance of Shabbat, and with it the readings. It is Saturday morning, and I feel like I would be doing something wrong if I worked too much (D & C 59:9-13) but, it is not Sunday, and we will be going to church anyhow, stupid brain. or is it a wise intuition? 

It is important that I am thinking about these things, I have bore witness before that I believe the church is true, but I ought to have clarified that the teachings of this religion is true, and it will never be removed from the earth again! although, like the Children of Israel, we are not prepared for many things. much as my little boy has been given the priesthood ( which is the power God used to create ) only his is merely a preparatory or Aaronic until he learns what he must to prove worthy of a greater thing, line upon line... milk before meat.

I have another important thing to mention.

The organization of families is something we are not really proving ourselves worthy of living up to yet. The conceptis perfect, sort of like Communism, but people mess it up. If a man loves a woman, then he cares for her and she cares for him, they learn to be selfless placing others before themselves. Then, it leads to children who are raised and loved and taught by example, etc. but, like Communism, people do not love one another,but because of institutions, they have children and itgoes on and onlike that in marraige, except those who get a divorce instead of realizing the love was a blessing, not a requirement and if people live forever they likewise have forever to accomplish things, one of which will be learning to love others. It just seems like people would have learned that. It is not a difficult concept, but man is naturally selfish...

Kings and Queens

 I have always loved the book of Isaiah, but realized that I did not KNOW it as well as I should. When Moroni visited Joseph Smith he quoted several scriptures and further said that it was very important to read and understand Isaiah. In particular he referred to Chapter 11 and said that it was shortly to come to pass  so, I was studying it and as prep for Easter, I was rehearsing other chapter s and I noticed in particular this time how it is commented that the remnant of Israel would be returning on the shoulders of kings and queens. In had never put the two ideas together, though I tend to think seriously about being anointed as kings and queens. It always calls to mind the scene from the recent Bible movie where David is annointed to be King. And he is not a king yet, but surely everyone knows it including Saul. So, no one is aware of anyone being annointed as king or queens, but it is sorta inevitable, so that much is literal. Is carrying people on their backs literal?

Another thing I want to add is something that I need to get out of my system... I want to make a video where I juxposition the director dude from "The Chosen" saying how he hated to make so many pleas for money, it makes him feel like a salesman with another speech where a dude from Israel says that too many people feel charitable and want to help the nation of Israel and so they send money and it feels like to them that they have done their charity, and yet Israel still needs. It sounds cliché for me to say it, but they need Living water not just a drink that will leave them thirsty again. I think if it is true that most of Israel is digitally present, then the best way to help them would be to support the method of getting a knowledge of Jesus to them. Each time I watch it I think, how much more this would help me truly understand and live better if I was a Jew living in Israel. Blah, blah, nope... Still nagging at me.

good, better, best ....

 I always liked good, better, best because it pointed out that it is not enough to merely be good. I used to think, "well, if our adversary knows us he will know that we will not do anything wrong, intentionally." So, to trip us up, we will not do horrible things, but good things, in a way that they keep us from doing the best things.

When I was at a Conference in Mississippi, we had a little "mock life". Admittedly I had a tiny advantage in that my parents were there teaching a class, so I knew that there were classes to take. And I did not know or trust or really love any of the leaders yet. When the leaders tried to convince people to go play games, that was an obvious hint to me that I ought not play games. If they would have tried to get people to go read scriptures or something, I might have stumbled and wasted my time doing that. To further complicate matters, the booths set up with teachers would refuse most people anyway, so others just quit trying that route and agreed to go play games and such. do you see what I am trying to say, here? We all just feel like doing something is better than doing nothing, and when teachers refuse to teach you anyway.... you tried, right? umm, not really hard enough.

If someone truly wanted to good, they would have ether have been somehow fortunate, like me, or tried to put the effort into figuring out why they were denied each class. Again, i just got lucky in that I took the first class first, and we were given little cards with stickers that gave permission to go to the next lesson in order. EPIPHONY!  It all came clear to me almost instantly, which I thought fortunate, but actually being forced into having to figure things out can be good. I didn't figure it out all well, actually, and the last bit was funny, but it pointed out to me an important thing in just the right way at just the right time (remember that quote, Raychelle?)

Here's what happened before we all died in a mock plane crash and were assigned kingdoms to await the final meeting of the night: The last class was on Families and Sealing. There were 2 boys and 6 girls in the class. I thought, hmmm... not going to take that class cause the boys are all ugly and they might make me get sealed to one of them. but I looked and no one else was even taking classes!! uh oh! what was I to do? I figured it out. I found some random guy and explained the game to him and sorta took him from playing with his friends (one of which was his girlfriend) to go through the classes in order. I got him to the last class and got sealed just in time , my group was the last one through before they announced the food was ready and we needed to "catch a pane to Hawaii".

So we all died on the plane and we were "judged" mostly it was according to the stamps on our cards, but also we were asked a personal question that defined our standing ultimately before God. So, I was assigned this beautiful place with music and flowing white curtains. I was checked on frequently by what I decided must be "ministering angels". It felt like a very long time that I was in the room alone. Everyone had gone on a tour of possible ,"kingdoms" so, I knew they were not individual rooms, but eventually others came and the last thing for the day was that people who did not have their spouse were gathered and assigned as children to other couples. Ah hah! perhaps we did not need a husband afterall! but, my guy was there and we were given a LOT of kids, but, when we were lead to the gymnasium to meet with everyone else, my family dispersed, other families stayed together!! urrrrgh! and then, they asked us to share our experience with everyone. Hahaha! Mine was that even if you do everything all right, you might be all alone. My husband had left to go be with his real friends and girlfriend who had not figured things out.

Just occurred to me and is important

 Yes, we can receive answers to prayers in ways we least expect. For me, in this instant it was a song. It was not in the actual lyrics, but occurred to me as I pondered the sentiment. For so long, I have wanted to do what was "my mission" as if it was a calculated set of things that I knew was not it. So long I have wanted to know what to want... Reminds me of that Carolina Liar song, "Show me what I'm looking for". My realization is that there is no particular thing I should want, I should just want. I have been afraid to let myself want anything in fear it might be wrong, but the point is that it is my choice and learning to chose is my lesson.... anyhow, other thoughts are waiting to be thought...

various thoughts of Luke

 My first thought was regarding Theophilus, which I decided is sort of a primative way of naming a Christian, who the Gospel of Luke was written to. My second big THOUGHT, was a thing I read this morning about how news had reached Joseph in EGYPT that Herod was dead, but it is said that John was th one who accused him because he wrongfully married his sister in law, ya da ya da, wait, John was only about 3months or so older than Jesus. Something seems incorrect, but I had also noted that the gospel of Luke does not even mention Egypt, so inaccuracies of translation or such are truly not of consequence. Thoughts are merely that, thoughts. Not every thought leads to truth.Another thought that tripped great thinkers up was the fact that there are multiple accounts of a singular event. This is frequently done to accentuate the truth. I have learn, merely with my husband, that we could see and instantly record the same event, but our accounts would differ, what was the same would become more noteworthy and supported. It's how testimonies work in law.

The thought that I am currently having is one which will likely become a new favorite scripture from the book of Luke from chapter 11. This is where, among many things, Jesus unfolds many things to students. Here he is speaking about the importance of speaking up and asking for things:

v. 8

I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.

That is an entirely new thought. it seems like we do not even need to worry about the propriety of what we are asking for, just ask it. Further it amazes me that God would ever been importuned. but in this parable God is represented by a snugly sleeping neighbor who has perfect, legitimate reasons to not even acknowledge the request, but I have always thought, he will instantly answer prayers because he loves me, this scripture was instantly beloved because it basically says that anything I ask will be answered and not because I am loved, but because I asked. Did I get that right?

Actually, I do that for my own kids when things are entirely inopportune for me, I will do it, regardless, my son arrogantly asks as if he already knows that I will get up and get him what he wants, not because he needs he Cause I could give millons of reasons the convince him that he will not get it, but I get up and do it. Or the time Joseph Smith asked if he could give some scripture plates to Martin Harris, and God said no, so Joseph kept asking. reason suggests the answer would not change cause God does not change, but here we see that he can be wearied into granting things.

It just occured to me that perhaps the disciples may not be the best source to know the teachings of Jesus. Often it is mentioned that they understood him not.

You have my Crochet Hook!

I was thinking this morning about a thing someone said last week, regarding All of the voices in the world screaming for things. As a teen I wrote a song when I had that thought, cause that's what I did with those little notions, now, I write blog posts. President Nelson, a prophet of God said that among all of the voices who was going to be God's voice? He was. Hence we have that cool video message, I truly think more hearts can be reached via Social media than ever could have been reached through say face to face contact and communication. And perhaps it took a pandemic like this to realize the great power we have.

So many directions to go with these thoughts, I will stick to my main premise avoiding the discussion of how we are truly all like a smphony playing our parts that independently seem too small to have meaning, like the videos I saw yesterday on collective minds, seemed like crowdsourcing to me....those surging starling very much remind me of slime mold. There is so much more to social unity than we can sense, but.... blah, so, I keep thinking about the fellowship of the ring movie how each, after Frodo speaks  one by one offers up his strength that the task might be accomplished. 

In my mind, President Nelson represents Frodo and in turn, each of us, can now pledge to help him. Personally, i cannot offer much, but what I can, I will. I remember a comment the "teacher/moderator" of our class said, "You all do not know how good it feels to see all of those little thumbs up appear in approval."

It used to be that people were not allowed to think or read for themselves. It was only through a preacher or some sort of trained religious leader that men could know the word of God. people were not even allowed personal copies of scripture. Well, this age we are not only allowed to share our own thoughts with one another, but we find great strength in such unity. Individual burdens are lightened. 

I no longer am even required to know and do everything, but like Henry Ford discovered anew what the egyptian monument builders already knew, Great things can be accomplished when we focus on our singular task.

At breakfast, we were discussing how Moroni was such a multi talented individual simply because he was able to stay alive for so long,let alone know how to read or write when he was on his own. I had wondered quite a bit how he always  apologized for his weakness in writing. I got it, this morning. I assumed everyone knew how to read and write, but it is to communicate, and he was completely alone for a VERY long time. Where did he get the tools to write. How did he eat? was he a chef, too? I ended feeling very Greatful that we can divide our labors, and I do not need to even know how to make new shoes, or such. If I need to know something, for instance, I can look online, surely someone knows. Yeah, it would be best to pray, or at least pray to verify truth.

Oh, time is running out. I have many things I need to do, so that others can not worry about how their clothes get clean, food gets made, presents get wrapped, etc.

also, check out: https://www.comeuntochrist.org/light-the-world-2020

Bad case of Demoitis

 My son is AMAZING!! and I am not saying it because I am his mother, but as I was listening to a piece on repeat. At first I was upset by the rhythm mistakes, and intended to change them, so I was listening on repeat, and I started singing along, not realizing that the melody I was singing was not actually included in the piece. I decided to rewrite it, but so I would recall I made a brief video with the vocal part by me, making it sound doubly worse. I kept telling myself it was just for a demo so that I would have a frame of reference.

Now, I had heard a producer comment on how people get demoitis trying  to recreate what they recorded as a demo, and then to the chagrin of the producer who is trying to help produce an ultimately better sound, the artists, cling to what was originally heard in the demo. I giggled go myself, thinking it sounded ridiculous, but now, as I listen to the recorded video I do not even hear the tracks as being out of sync, but as some new sort of sound that I do not even know how to recreate. It is like tossing a piece of trash and it landing in a perfect spot that could not be imitated if tried.

So, I have a bad case of Demoitis...

Assorted

 Would the good guy lose to the bad guy because he was bad once  loosing favor whereas the evildoer is atleast honest and known in the bad he has done. Ok,I tried to cover too many scenarios that I fear I actually covered one and instead mad myself a joke.

I was thinking about how a person changes over time but, seems to stop or sort of pause at a certain age and then decline or atrophy sets in. I was considering the evils of comparison, mostly, at this time, I was thinking of how I often compare my state to that of older or younger, the younger still only full of potential, the old only full of memories of who they once were. it was such thoughts that gave way to the  notion that I might feel older, but I will never be old when my parents are no longer living. They seem young to me. but as I get old I feel so unable, although my parents are much older and they are still fully capable of so many things. So, out of respect, I cannot complain about myself for experiencing ravishes of age when my parents are still quite vivacious.

secondly, I was thinking about what I was telling my kids. that being healthy mattered, but not to fret over looking other than they may want. it is utterly rediculous to want to all look the same. We are all different in color, size, shape, whatnot. for instance. I am just a smaller person, I ate in a way that would be justified by only a very large person, but their father is a large person, although he eats very sensibly. It is merely his size, regardless. I tell them the same thing. I used to lament being so slight and little and not the size and shape other think is most ideal. but, in my PBI amoften told what a blessing it is to have the health and means to accomplish the desires of my heart. That does not have anything to do with size shape of being wealthy. It is just easier to deal with being a certain way, but,I was too small when younger, and now, too large. I have thwarted death, and been very healthy for a very long time, though, but the small window when I looked ideal was sad to loose after I finally gained it. Point is, it doesn't matter.

Nick brought up that when the brother of Jared saw Jesus Christ, he had not yet been born. we thought many deep thoughts about what we might to look like in spirit and if we would be aware of what we ought to look like to be perfect.  

 That make me think of a movie where a guy is crippled and barely able to walk, then, in spirit (after death) he is seen helping others, and is barely recognizable. I wondered which the actor truly looked like ontop of wondering if every resurrected man would truly appear different or simply like his spirit, yeah, I always wonder about how when Jesus is resurrected he still has prints in his hands and feet. There is another film where it is explained, in depth, what events are prophesied concerning the last days of man kind. in it, Armageddon is discussed and how whe Jesus comes to rescue his people, they will run to him so excited that their messiah had come. But, then they see the marks in his hands and feet and ask about them. He explains that those are wounds he got when visiting his friends. And then, together as a nation the Israelis will realize who he is and was. So, in his case I can understand why his resurrected body retained such imperfections,but Moroni looked great for a dead guy!

skin color, thought

Watching a video conference between two "White" people, and I was struck to notice something that might be seen as common was not at all common. One man's skin looked pinkish at it's base where the other man had a base that I recognized as I had been called "jaundice girl" and struggled to find makeup that matched my skin tone as My sisters all wore the same color as my mom, but I could not. Whatever color this dude was, so am I. I wanted to think about what causes the color, and that makes me think about what about an electron changes the perception of a color. Think, think, think...

Whenever we trace order back we find the origin in intelligence, not in a substance that created the order, that is a very good thought that can be at last understood by considering every possible occurrence can be summed up as either being acted upon or acting upon. It terms of the origin of life it supports intelligent design and not bang there it is......another thing to think about... just this morning I was thinking about Pascal's Wager and feeling good about it, but if my mind ever attempts to drift this thought will surely snap me back to a greater truth, that all thinking extended purposefully would return unanswered which would in itself prove intelligence..... j'ai du travaille

Suffering and sacrifice

I have thought, since ever I thought, that sacrifice must only exist in the notions of those who sacrifice. because, it seemed that every sacrifice, included giving up a thing and almost instantly being rewarded with something greater. So, what people call sacrifice is actually what we call growth, Growth of any sort requires change and potential, very temporary hardship or sadness. Isn't that simply part of any change?

I was thinking about this all in microcosm as I played a Role-playing Game. In the game a "quest" which carries a reward on financial compensation is to purchase this item which is equal to what is instantly compensated. It seemed pointless, expect that there is a further reward to be earned in completing a number of these "quests". So of the quests are challenging and I do not see the compensation those it probably exceeds the sacrifice. the one in particular merely costs the same price as the task pays, if I did not see a larger picture I would not be able to see the sese of it at all.

In the game, I see how particular sacrifices seem meaningless, but ought to be performed anyhow and this is like things we are asked to do that seem to make sense, like eating vegtables or doing math homework. further I see how the game moderator/creator would encourage to do tasks by assigning value to them as a means to sort of create stronger players... Is that making sense or do I need to extrapolate further?

I originally sought to make a record of this because  I hoped to share an insight I keep having about doing hard things. I almost think it is an incentive because it is through hardship that we become more like Christ.

I have been too busy to write... huh?

 I actually ought to be doing something else, and I do not even remember the last time I typed out my thoughts, but today, someone came over and left a little card that told me to record something, which was exactly what I had already said on facebook. I decided not to write it out again. but, it has been on my mind alot, about how I need to do WHATEVER it takes to be sealed to my family. I actually was talking to the kids on the way to school precisely about that, and they again expressed their desire to be sealed as well. It was solidified, I had to be sealed to all of my children. I really did not worry much because I was sealed to the older children, although, their father has subsequently left the church, I was without a spouse, though. Then I asked the kids if they thought Nick would want to be sealed to the older kids as well. I wondered if it was necessary, because they were already sealed to me, and we were actually getting a temple in Layton!!! So, I needed to ask Nick to get his act together, but did I truly even want that, hmm that somehow led me to consider many thing among them was the thought that keeps popping up but I push it down, It is, "Why do people oppose the church so vehemently?" Seriously, that alone makes my testimony of it's value increase. 

I decided that it is because, like the knitting project I was working on, at row 25 I tore it all apart to do over, and it caused sorrow and upset feeling, ones of inadequacy. It is when a thing requires alot of us and we give it, but do not see any return, we get upset. growing up, I always heard my friend's parents say that if their congregation had half of the faith and determination we mormons do the world might achieve peace, or something great. they would express in some way, to me, that I was working so hard to accomplish something that was not right. ok, back to my knitting... It looked pretty good. I could have just kept going and pointed out the improvements, but I wanted to create something marvelous and of worth, that would last, an heirloom, if you will. I think that is what those who persecute the church think. It is soo extremely close to being perfect... oh, oh! I got the perfect story for what I mean. It is called "The Birthmark" by Nathaniel Hawthorn. this alchemist marries this most beautiful woman who is perfect in every way Except a small little birthmark on the side of her cheek. And he nearly obsesses about how to remove it, and finally figures out a way, but he also kills her as it fades.

Oh, sorry, I never recorded the story of my parents sacrifice for the sake of having temple ordinances. I had only recently heard the entire story, myself. to summarize, My parents believed so fully, that they sold their home to have enough money to travel to the nearest temple which was in Salt Lake City, when my mother was pregnant with me they took the journey to the temple in SLC from Michigan. i often tell the story of how I ad actually been in utah before I was born, but I had never heard them complsain about needing to sell everything in order to be sealed forever. It is truly important to them, as it should be to us all as we understand more.

The box

 Put your hand in the box.... ha ha ha  had to do that...The duke's son must know many poisons*, I hold at your neck....

Anyhow, I was thinking about boxes and how they try to trap people in. And that is why I loved to watch McGuyver, it would seem like he was trapped, no escape from this box, then somehow he managed. as I got older I grew to appreciate the writers more and more to think up this escapes only armed with, ofttimes, physics.

It got me to wondering why, with so many years of experience, no one has solved the great unknown, and it hit me! ahhh! Faith.if we could know a thing we could not have faith. I considered how much faith was required at previous times in existence and there is more evidence of it then... I wondered about those who have lived through it all, have they just got better at blending in? It must be harder, at least we think we keep a better eye on people, huh, BB?

I have thought this before, alot actually, when we studied Solomon in particular. I wonder, since I do not know everything, yet. what would I like to know, granted with enough faith anything can be done.... well, what would I have done? I just want to KNOW how I can be sealed to all of my children.

Anyhow, regarding boxes... I realized at a young age that I think "outside the box", but I did not think like the others's box that is familiarly called thinking out side the box. I literally (before my children) felt completely alone knowing that to be accepted I had to pretend to think like everyone else, so I did.

My son was telling me that he often feels alone, so we can be alone together. ha ha ha, a Poet and he didn't know it! It is a familiar struggle though, I know what he means. It is simply hard to put into words. And it must be so much harder for him to be born and living among those who profess to believe the same, etc. I always figured I didn't belong because of my faith, but, even among people who share my religion, it has been demonstrated many times how differently I comprehend things.

My son is telling me how it is not seeing things as they are or else I would see others like me right there. He demonstrated and used the framework of one of his games to explain how common it is to not even see people right there! It ended up with him ranting about "spawn campers", and if I think people do that in real life.

How sweet and thoughtful, he is trying to help me. both Joseph and Mary are incredible individuals of which I cannot say enough good regarding.

Now to solve my current box scenario. Where to park my van when it starts to snow... I used to park in the parking lot, then on the road, but both places left me warnings. but our cars do not both fit in the 2 car allowed parking space because the spots are slanted and our apartment is on the end. I thought of just selling the van, but then, the kids would have to walk in the snow...

*honorable mention is the scene on "Princess Bride" where a game of Intellects is played using a fatal poison. then as a choice is made and one man rejoices as victor he dies, the winner later explains that they were both poisoned but he had built up an immunity to the drug! so smart!!

Flip

 That's it. I ought to be a journalist or politician. I can flip heart felt opinions like that *snap* 

There is a song lyric that fits by D. Beddingfield, I ought to go listen for a while. " All of it wasn't a lie. I really meant what I said..." from the song titled "The Way"

It happened last night as I pondered by myself, and considered may things at a level that I had not, then again, today as I was home alone and then the idea solidifued as I sat on a rock at the school waiting for the kids with nothing else on my mind. I should not escape or give up, but if we have forever to live, my intent is to have forever to improve upon and somethings, I would gladly endure for nearly ever if at some point a perfection would be achieved, but that is (the waiting) is not even the issue.

It occurred to me that there is a pearl of greatest price, that we would give anything for, It is not wrong to realize that you might have found a "diamond in the rough" but, we were taking about pearls, not diamonds anyway. There is a key word that I have never heard, and I really ought to give it more consideration than I do. 

Much time passes before I will speak concisely regarding this new stance..

I hate this!

 I  must have something right. Someone once said that if you want to be sure you are on the right track, go find the dust cloud (as it is evidence of a skirmish) if something is very good or very bad, it is beyond fighting for, and thus easier. But, trying to decide which is right is usually not so easy in the early stages, and unfortunately, our idea of early stages are much different from reality. I will explain this principle: When I got out of the hospital as still recieved out patient care, the doctors of neurology told me that if I did make a recovery it would be swift, in a very short time. I later learned that the spoken of "short time" to me mean within a week or so, but in terms of recovery it meant within ten years.

My daughter asked me a very interesting question, she asked, " So, when do we get to be Adults of God?" Cause we always sang about being a Child of God. I think that along the path of discipleship, pretty much every single person is an infant.

It really hurt me to realize that the very advice I loved and wanted to act upon was WRONG. I absolutely hate it!

It actually makes perfect sense that we each individually look out for our selves. Afterall, we are taught that the ONE soul that we bring unto God that will give us unparalleled joy is our self. We should THEN love others as our selves. Further, we know that no one can be coerced into goodness, it must be self done, right? I read many very insightful meanderings, as well that suggested that men were responsible for their own doings, and they are, for the most part. We know that without help man would not be and even being can never truly be accomplished without Assistance from our Saviour. I think of it as a baby, at first, they could not eat, or even think for themselves, but they have the potential, which potential requires assistance, all men need help too.

I was really upset yesterday and thought. I simply cannot endure this anymore. So, I prayed, ofcourse. And almost instantly, I thought, well, then what? No man alive is going to be perfect, but with time and effort...Well, heck, you have already done so much, you are at a crossroads where you must decide to continue on through hardship now, or abandon it all untill you get to this same point again.

My husband is a real failure, but he doesn't have to be, and he is humble. In the Book of Mormon this week we were studying about how we need to be like Christ (See also Book of Matthew). A Beattitude specifically mentions being a peacemaker, too which implies sharing the goodness you feel with others.

i remember a quote where someone pontificated on the veracity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and ultimately they said something to the effect of if Heaven could be full of such people as he finds in "Mormon" churches He would be happy. Personally, I often get that "zion" vibe i Utah, too. Often I find myself saying, "Man these people really are of one heart and one mind and they definately care for the needy."

The fact that my husband is flawed means that he is needy. I am a woman, thus a help meet. I can be a sort of Savior and share the Love and goodness that I feel, thereby "Making Peace". 

I guess I have my answer. though I loved the notion of escaping and getting my instant peace, the eventual or potential peace I could have by trying harder and enduring reminds me of a thing my dad used to conclude all the time, "People often give up with they need most for what they want right now." I am glad that he said it and I heard it.

wisdom from 10th grade

I was feeling very low, and wanted to nip it in the bud before I made my life worse with my rash, irrational decisions. I remembered how together I was in high school. Then, as I pondered things like of course, I needed more faith because I knew so little, but I really was happier then. I had a bad body self image then, but got through it, inconsecuentially, or did I. Ok, my next thought had a choice, ponder how King David overcame Goliath because he was too improbable, like youth tend to be, ya da ya da, or think about the Book of Mormon pride cycle, CYCLE and how a recurring issue might apply to me in this situation. I chose the second for various reasons, mostly because it is more recent and was specifically written for my day and issues, and though I think insecurity is not merely a "modern" issue. For me it still persits, and I am not looking for another bandaid. Then I rembered this poem I wrote hidden sort of crouching in the back most seat on a school bus listening to Bad Animals album cassette on my walk man. Why do I still rember that, I do. I think listening to music affects the brain in a way that increases the ability to recall things. Here is it:

"Form it is so fickle, for whilst zaftiggity's chic, sledr'uns slept in streets. So what is beauty to the blind? When they seek, what do they find? Perhaps, it is an inward quest to seek the good and find the best."

I wrote that on a note card taking a break from writing a research paper for English. Ha ha ha, now I am thinking about Mrs. Edmonton and how she had us memorize the intro to Chaucer's Tales in Old English. I still remember that, too!

"Wan that Ap rill with his shoreah sotah, .. with swish vere chew engendered is the flewer..May tay ache... Swaytay brayth inspired hath every holt and hayth..."