Tears are not really helpful

Mary Anne cries all of the time and I am always reprimanding her explaining that crying is not fling anything at all to help. I was veto.g so hard because I miss my babies, and I imagined being told the same thing.

Previously, I could reason myself out of despair because of such scriptural accounts of women who left their children to decide their own fates after teaching them how to live, like Moses (his birth mother) and Samuel (Hannah). And I am.sure there are more but two were enough to establish an acceptable pattern. I could confidently accept, without tears, my fate that my stewardship could be fulfilled without consigning myself to an eternal life of misery. Besides, these were God's children, only in my temporary care anyhow. I did not just want an eternal COMPANION but needed one suited and aimed purposefully at the goal of an eternal world of children.

But, honestly, my tears were not erased by this thought. I loved each child dearly and had come to love them and feel attached to the point of needing them. I would sacrifice for them. The thought that wiped away my tears was that all of us are God's children, and surely he loves each of us as fully... "God loved us so He sent his Son..." And he had to risk loosing more of us, but He made that choice although he could have chosen Lucifer's plan and been able to know that we all would be saved. Instead, he lost for sure 1/3 of his dear children. How terribly sorrowful for Him that must be!!! But. Crying about it will not help, ".. how doest thou shed thy tears as rain upon the mountains? And Lord, how is it that thou canst weep?" I was both blessed and comforted by this inspired insight.

I ought to be sleeping

Though I really should be sleeping my mind willnot rest, so it churned how bit of silly evidence that I must consider now or asleep, but it would be considered.

So, in lieu of sleep, my mind churned up an unreliable memory. Throughout my past, I have had particularly low points where I felt extremely ugly, but I always felt ugly, because I am me. I am somehow always subpar. But, looking back, photographs never seem to reflect the person I saw. I always look pretty. But, how could that be? I know for a fact that I was incredibly hideous to the point of wanting to crawl under a rock in shame of my appearance.

Could this be the case now? I know that I am ugly buy just do not care. Recently, I was even told by someone who had never seen me that they could just tell that I was homely because I was such a sweet spirit of something. It bothered me although honestly, I am past that.

I do have confidence of my self-worth regardless of whether or not my features hold any significance. It is only a thought that maybe looking back I will see more clearly how beautiful I really appear, disgusting not just get over it and enjoy the present for a bit instead of always seeing in hindsight how much better things actually were.

A friend told me once in college that the best thing about me, or the thing that made me the best was my inability to just accept myself as good enough, I held myself to an impossibly high standard and it reflected in who I became.

Tv

Sooo incredibly, um, oxymoronic? Let's just say unusual and unexpected that. Tv show makes me feel pretty. It's true. Kinda how you relate to a book, I do with a person on tv, but I am older and been there, done that, and it helps me feelmore secure and confident.

Break the silence

I used to play the wish game where whenever you were the first to do something, like drink from an unopened can or skim the top of a new tub of peanutbutter, such things would grant you a wish.

A person caused my only momentary, but, intention of much longer, silence to be broken.

I simply cannot remain silent on this regard: I love my Savior with every bit of my being. I am so thankful to him and realized that in a larger scheme of things, it would be wasteful and ungrateful not to allow such convictions a place in my outward appearance.

I am undoubtedly a daughter of a Heavenly Father whom Jesus Christ always paid hommage, doing almost nothing for himself of himself. We all love God, I love the more I learn and it is directly related. How did this happen? Chicken and the egg.

I learned of him through studying the scriptures, and then from there I loved and loved which prided me to want to know more. The more I knew, the more I loved. This is beauty.

Puzzles

I love everything about puzzles, but my favorite part is when the pieces are running out and each one fits in a place it seems the other pieces were reserving just for them.

Little seed

It is a popular children's song to compare faith to a seed, to explain our trial of faith, and we learn that it is after the trial of our faith that we learn it was a good seed. It must be planted properly and nourished, etc. It is not enough to have a good seed.

Today, as I was explaining to Mary that her seed was likely dead I realized it symbolized so much more. I assured her that I was,not giving up yet, and if we took what we learned assuming it was a good seed, perhaps another would survive, but it was not merely just a bad seed.

Sunday notes

If we even think it is from God we obey.

Temples each diminish power of Satan on earth.

Stay in the boat and hold on, a talk he felt inspired to revisit. It would be strange to have your words on file like that.

Most importantly follow the first rule to stay in the boat, no matter what happens. Metaphor

Story of how on a ship in peril a captain asked who knew how to pray. A LDS missionary said,he did so the captain said, "good. You pray then, and we will all get in the lifeboats, but we are one short." Reminds me how many rely first on the immediateness of the world.

10 And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his own image, and called his name Seth.
11 And the days of Adam, after he had begotten Seth, were eight hundred years, and he begat many sons and daughters;

Wow, how could he even remember all of his children, he was mortal.

Love yourself first, then your neighbor.

Christ was persecuted by those who were the leaders of his religion. The ones who might have been most familiar of the scriptures which clearly prophecies of him.

Truth may provoke but it is not changed from being truth.

It was believed that Christ was killed and tormented because of what he said.

I am glad

I was relooking up a scripture that struck me as significant. Especially this time of year. It was about a thing that troubled, probably still does, my dad. It is regarding the first and second ressurrections. While I was looking up a particular thing I read, I found a comment regarding our judgement. It reminded me the things we will be held accountable for are our thoughts, words, deeds, and I love this one, our intents.

I wanted to.find a place and time to record how glad I am that the very desires of our heart will be used to judge us, because often, I feel helpless, but I would have done differently, and instead of beat myself up for failing to live up to my potential, I can know that what I want will actually be taken into.account. I just hope it is not used as a standard to measure our actions! One time, a servant of the Lord told me that in matters like tithing where in my heart, I surely would be a full tithe payer, but I fear my husband is not, and I do not make an income. He explained that the attitude is more of a consequence than.a current situation was.

No one is that altruistic

I was thinking how funny it would be if someone actually researched enough to find out what exactly I did or liked. That would make me far more important than I ever considered. That could not be true, simply because no one could e en be that much interested in another person, although it could be possible in that it could be, but I have difficulty even imagining anyone selfless enough to put anyone else's ideas in a place of greater imortance than their own.

I still have to look it up, but it has been something that has been on my mind for a very long time, but I have never valued it enough to think of it, and I still do not think it will matter to me, but I will look it up and think about it a bit.

I will have to find it first in order to study it's useability or significance. It is in the Book of Mormon where the King of the Lamanites is speaking to Ammon and Ammon is privy to the thoughts of the king or maybe that is not what happened then, but the thought is that it is a thing that has been recorded as happening where another's very thoughts.

So much opposition

I feel like I may have been wrong in assuming opposition was decided to not work on me, so a new technique of flattery was used. But, I see now clearly the opposition to a thing I want makes me want it more cause that suggests it comes from a gut reaction of anger, that could not be masked for a deceptive purpose. It is like a reaction. My choice is one that it is unexpected and it meets so much opposition that I think of a screwtape desperately wringing his hands screaming, "pull out the stops! This is important." It is not a calculated thing, it is desperation.

Anyhow, it only makes,me more determined to go against what is opposed to what I know is good in the first place.

Just started singing this to myself

It is in response to being alone when I only do what I do in hopes of going home, and I doubt home is lonely.

The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?: http://youtu.be/pEq8DBxm0J4

A good way to live

If you can manage to find hope grab a hold of it and let it edify you until you begin to manifest the quality of life you lack.

How to tell if it is a good song

You can tell the song has reached it's potential when the song doesn't change, but it still fits your mood perfectly.

Kinda like religion.

Jonah and the you know

This morning Mary decided that she wanted to change her FHE song to "Follow the prophet". So, I thought, well, can she even do that? It has so many verses. Sure, she likes the picardy third and the redundancy of the chorus, all kids do. Then I decided to print out the verses for the adults if she was determined. As I listened to it, I thought, hmmm, they call it a whale. Oh, but we only believe the Bible to be doctrine as far as it is translated correctly, and for kids the finer point is that it is the story that matters. Such thought made sense sorta like how we changed wine to water in the sacrament, and hot drinks to coffee and tea. It is the intent or spirit of a thing that matters.

Upon consideration, I thought, "Well, it is easy to see that the things most prophets told us and whether or not their stories are exact, they warn and instruct."

Yesterday, in class we were studying a very difficult principle so the teacher had someone read a metaphorical story from a children's manual that was clear to us all. Again, the story was obviously fiction, but the principle was conveyed in a digestable way.

Point was, some very wisemen who were not there on the boat or even know how God communicated to Jonah, felt that there was a principle to be taught that would be of great worth to others. And guess what? I can really relate.

As of late, I have been trying to run from a thing that I cannot mistake although I have tried so hard. But, Jonah was not allowed to just die and escape, but he had to face the thing that seemed too hard for him. It is true that God is like that. No matter what really happened, it does provide encouragement and example.

Maybe, it's intuition, but somethings you just don't question...thank you Savage Garden for the words! I am not going to run away and try to be safe anymore. To accomplish we need to take risks! It is only by forgetting our fear that we accomplish anything close to potential.